Day: November 28, 2013

Life is tricky right now. There is a huge list of things that are making me stop, paralyzed, and freeze in my life. I’m not writing, reading, running, playing… I’m just. Hardly present. In a whirlwind.
Work is hard right now. I won’t air my dirty laundry any more than to say I have a few unique situations at work right now that are causing me tremendous stress. I’m not sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night right now and the wee hours are spent pondering a million possibilities of how to solve the problems, reviewing the issues and, when I get bored of that, thinking about the atrocities that Christopher Columbus enacted to started the whole slave trade… I’m serious. That guy was terribly, horribly bad if this is all true.
Pardon me while I think on this some more and have panic attacks about it.
I’m joking, but every word is true. Panic attacks suck. So does depression. So does anxiety.
Perhaps I should try my happiness strategy…

I have a lot to be thankful for.
1. Disneyland is looming in our very near future. I neeeeeeed some Disney magic about now. I’m thankful I get to go soon!
2. My husband keeps telling me stories about teachers and staff members from my daughter’s school who come up to him to talk about how wonderful, compassionate, patient and kind our daughter is.
3. My son is a good kid. He is always trying to be on his best behavior at school and knows, absolutely, what NOT to do. When he got his class picture, he was sure to show us which kids talk a lot. He let us know he doesn’t sit by those kids. I’m glad he knows that he can control his environment to make it the most educational one possible.
4. My husband is incredible and supportive. Each day as I have come home from work, claiming another tough day, sometimes even with tears, he lays down on the bed, invites my head on his shoulder and takes the time to let me process my day aloud to him. It’s incredibly healing for me and I only hope I offer the same compassion to him.
5. I’m grateful my family does not really know what hunger is.
6. I am healthier now than ever. I can move and play, I’m flexible and capable. My body is mine for the first time in my life and I love it.
7. I weigh 217 216. I never thought I would weigh less than 250 in my life, ever again. I’m glad I proved myself wrong because I taught myself that there are way more possibilities out there than I ever would have allowed. Possibility still exists. Dreams aren’t dead. I’m a walking cliche, I know, but it’s true.
8. While it’s difficult at times, I can’t think of a better job than teaching that is better suited for me. I love working with children, I love teaching, I love laughing, I love their youth…
9. I also love the breaks. At this point, with little kids, it is really nice to be at home together as a family, when I have time off too.
10. I was born into opportunity. Though mine is limited by finances, my situation is tremendously fortunate. While we, as a family, live just above the poverty level, I can’t imagine how more dough would improve our lives that much differently. We are clothed, fed, educated, have healthcare, a home, a yard and even get vacations. That’s a pretty privileged life.
11. I love technology. My iPad, phone, Nook and, now, my fitbit (more on that later) go everywhere with me. It’s somewhat embarrassing, the attachment I have to the devices, but it love the creative expression through writing that the iPad offers, the entertainment (and discretion) of the Nook, the world is accessible through my phone and my Fitbit tracks my every step and calorie burned. I love it ALL.
12. I love clothes and putting outfits together, so I am thankful that Old Navy and The Gap put out 30-40% off coupons out at this time of year like nobody’s business.
13. I love the holidays. I love eating good food, making good food, spoiling my kids and having excuses to laugh and hang out in our pajamas a lot. I love the holiday movies and stories, I love the Elf on the Shelf, reindeer and snow- I hope we get some snow this year! That would truly add some magic!
14. My mom and dad are wonderful, generous, loving people. They recently moved out of state to take care of my grandfather, so we miss them, but understand the good, compassionate work they are doing.
15. I’m thankful for running shoes. It turns out that different shoes really do make for a different run. At present, I love my neon pink Asics!
16. I am thankful for my website. People tell me they read it, and I love the feedback, but the best part is that I have a record of my progress. When I feel like things are going too slow, I look at it, see how far I have come and get back on the wagon! I find myself incredibly motivating! LOL!
17. I’m thankful for my coworkers. They are so supportive of me, so open to me, so kind to me. I appreciate their friendship and laughter tremendously… You may have realized I have no filter and will talk about almost anything to almost anyone, but they still accept me. 🙂 I work with some pretty amazing people.
18. I’m thankful for my scales: the wii and my digital. While I loathe them sometimes when the numbers still, they are marvelous for showing my progress and they always point me in the right direction (that’s down, for now). Magnificent tools.
19. Love. I live for love. Love is the foundation of my life, my reason for living, for rising every morning and for committing to the job I have. Love is paramount. I love love.
20. Resilience is something I have always had until the past few years. Then I lost it. I crumbled at just about anything. Depression, anxiety and panic took over… It’s been a long climb out. This year, however, I’ve learned a little more resilience- through confidence. I’m learning to be a better advocate for myself. I learned to pick myself back up and keep kicking. I’ve practiced not taking things personally. It’s good.
21. Determination has been a driving force behind my body weightloss project. Determination is the active choice. It’s making a decision and sticking with it, even in the face of a more appealing alternative. I’m not sure why this has impacted me so much now, but this time I know that the power is within me. It’s not going to happen externally.
22. Motivation: I get tremendously motivated to exercise when I’m training, I want to work out and lose weight when I watch weightloss shows and I bask in compliments that make me just want to keep moving forward. That said, motivation is the passive version of determination- waiting for an external stimuli to propel you forward is great for part of the journey, but it won’t carry you all the way. You need to believe in and rely on yourself.
23. Intentional positivity is a phrase I invented a few years ago (based on a goal I made to be more like Mr. Rogers) when I was having a very cynical and negative time in my life. I decided to see things in a different light, to bring my happy, to distance myself from negative forces around me. It worked. My life is so much happier now and, even though I feel like a total cheese sometimes, I totally sound like Mr. Rogers (honestly, one of my heroes) in my head and aloud quite often.
24. I have a couple of old girlfriends who I just can’t seem to shake. I’ve tried, trust me, but they just keep caring about me and I about them, in return. I’m grateful for seasoned friendships.
25. Me. I’ve been pretty good to myself this year. Thanks, me.
***
As I said, I have a lot to be thankful for. After making this list, I feel so much better and I’m suddenly soooo tired now that the anxiety has abated. I so hate two o’clock from this morning. She is going to haunt me alllll day.