crow

Let’s Compare, Shall We?

1 Comment

You can always tell when I like a picture that I take of myself. The picture I took Thursday surprised me so I started making the infamous comparison pictures…

20131221-193425.jpg
The difference here is about five years and 130 pounds. 130! Isn’t that amazing? Like, my chin looks so incredibly different, but my eyes are so much more visible. I had NO idea they were so hidden before!

20131221-193803.jpg
These ones are almost exactly one year apart. Really, about 13.5 months if you want exactness. 🙂 The first was taken on my 39th birthday, the second on Thursday. The difference is about 80 pounds. That is a very big difference as well. 🙂

210

Leave a Comment

I made my Christmas weightloss goal yesterday! I weigh 210 now!!!
I’m pretty positive I’ll be making my goal of 200 by Jude’s birthday, and I really wish I had taken that diet bet now!

20131210-200135.jpg
It must also be noted that I put my running shoes on again today for the first time since the day before vacation. That’s only two runs in December, people. I need to get back on the roads. It felt good to run today and it was lovely to be greeted by Christmas lights. Gotta love the extra sparkle when it is so dark out this time of year.
***
Related but not the best news…
I had to own a hard truth to Bradley while we were in Disneyland.
Before we left for the trip things were pretty crazy. I had to pack, get four days of lesson plans ready, finish up our Christams shopping and decorating, wrap all of our Christmas gifts, bathe the dog and work is crazy (CRAZY!!!) right now between kid issues, family communication and workplace politics… So one night, I forgot to eat dinner. I realized this right as I was going to sleep and just decided one skipped meal was not a big deal. The next night my brain got a little nuts, remembered that I had not suffered at all the night before, and even though I knew it was a poor choice, I was weak and decided a banana would suffice as a dinner. The next night I wanted to skip dinner, ate very little again and I was starting to notice a pattern.
The food addicted side of me is such a submissive while my controlling diet side, boy, when I get the ball rolling I can be really hard on myself. Really extreme. Super determined. So, I started exchanging one bad food consuming pattern (over-eating) with another one- starving myself.
I got to Disneyland and, when I’m on vacation, I can sort of get lost and not pay attention to the basics- like, rest, food, water, the bathroom. And honestly, my brain was kind of digging it and I started hearing myself intentionally thinking about how awesome it would be to return from vacation lighter than when I left, so I stopped eating much at all. At the end of day two I had eaten less than 600 calories, the day before wasn’t much better and I was feeling super excited about this new iron-grip control I had on my diet.
Except I knew it wasn’t right. I know that I don’t want to replace obesity with anorexia. When I was a kid I lost 80 pounds during my junior year of high school by subsisting on a diet of apples and diet coke. My school lunch was half a sandwich, half a carton of milk and 3-4 grapes. Otherwise I ate almost nothing. I once heard Richard Simmons talk about this issue, that fat people can become anorexic when they feel the power of having control. I had it then and I’m pretty sure I was on the same path last week. I’m pretty sure I could get there very easily now.
So I told Bradley what I had been doing and he got all Papa Bear on me and told me he was taking over my diet. When I started panicking and crying over the idea of losing control of my food, I realized how quickly this train of thought had taken over and dominated my dieting. Bradley made me eat 2000 calories the next day. It was really hard and it felt like I ate all day long. When I ate junk, 2000 calories was easy to consume. Eating healthy foods to reach 2000 is like eating nonstop, but it helped me to see how little I was eating and to realize how much I can eat and maintain or lose weight.
After that day, things were better. I decided to go ahead and eat whenever Bradley offered something and I was able to kind if get out of that cave. Again, I write it here as a reminder. I want to lose weight, but I want to develop good, healthy habits along the way. I’m glad I’m at 210 now, but I need to continue doing it with tried and true healthy methods with no other options.

Yes, I DID! 8:12

Leave a Comment

Today I was not into the run. Like, at all. I know I say that a lot these days and I, myself, am pretty sick of hearing myself say it. What happened to the days when I loved to go out to run?!
Anyhow, I decided to just take it easy. Run a reasonable 1.75 to burn some calories, maintain some muscle, keep my endurance… And even when I got home I didn’t feel like I had done an amazing job. But I was glad I got my rear to the street while it was still light and had a better chance of being seen by drivers… See?:
20131120-205652.jpg
That’s right, folks, I am now photographing daylight because it’s significant that I actually got to run in some! I raced home, changed, and burst out the door ASAP and when I got home to check my stats…

20131120-210247.jpg
Yep.
Purty much a rock star now.
(Wipes nose on back of sleeve in move of classiness)
But seriously. 8:12!
8:12
I never would have thought it possible.
I rarely post stuff to Facebook at all, least of all exercise accomplishments… But I had to post this one and I feel so supported tonight. 🙂

20131120-211036.jpg

I May, Indeed, Have Super Powers

Leave a Comment

Remember how I said it’s dark when I run these days? Today I ran with the moon at 4:45. It was beautiful. 🙂

20131114-191726.jpg
Yes, I may have superpowers. How else can you explain how I, Tamara Littlejohn, AKA T-Diddy Lj, Cap’n Awesome and Mrs. L, ran her fastest ever mile?!
8:24 minute mile.
8:24
My average pace was 8:51!
Granted, I only ran for 1.5 miles, but they were a pretty fast 1.5 miles!!

20131114-192331.jpg
…Contented sigh…

I May, Indeed, Have Super Powers

Leave a Comment

Remember how I said it’s dark when I run these days? Today I ran with the moon at 4:45. It was beautiful. 🙂

20131114-191726.jpg
Yes, I may have superpowers. How else can you explain how I, Tamara Littlejohn, AKA T-Diddy Lj, Cap’n Awesome and Mrs. L, ran her fastest ever mile?!
8:24 minute mile.
8:24
My average pace was 8:51!
Granted, I only ran for 1.5 miles, but they were a pretty fast 1.5 miles!!

20131114-192331.jpg
…Contented sigh…

Daylight Savings

Leave a Comment

Can you see me now? Remember when I went out and bought all that neon? First of all, let the record show that I do not like neon. As a fat girl, I am not a fan of drawing attention to how much real estate needs to be covered by a large neon panel. But, when daylight savings happens in the Pacific Northwest, we are plunged into darkness by 4:30 most days. The following picture was taken at about 4:25:

20131106-222907.jpg
Dim and dark, but you can certainly see my shoes and shirt! Ha ha! By the time I finished my run it was full on dark with street lights and car lights blazing. The transition is amazing, how quickly it happens. Having had close calls with two cars over the past few runs, I just hope that people are paying attention to driving and not their phones. I’m totally freaked out by the texting/distracted driving stuff.
And then there was my new personal record!

20131106-223224.jpg
My miles are getting faster! Today Bradley was running errands with the kids when I got home so I decided to head out on my own. I didn’t push myself, necessarily, but the thought of running home to my family was very motivating. I promised myself that if I saw them when I passed the house I could stop, so I pushed myself up the hill in hopes of seeing them but no luck. I ran past the house and headed around for the second loop, rounding the whole thing up to a 3.2 mile run with two sub 10 miles! Yahoo! I’m so pleased!!!!
A lot can happen in a year.
I laughed aloud as I headed out by myself down the hill. Last November I would have seen this as an opportunity to watch something good on tv, eat something sinful, take a bath, but never would I have considered a walk (much less a run) on my own. Bradley had to drag me out like a dog on a leash to exercise. I was often sullen and unpleasant. Nice. Now I love running and don’t like to skip a day. I chose to take care of myself in an entirely different, and more productive, way today and was rewarded with my own personal record. I feel quite happy and accomplished today!

Halloween Candy

Leave a Comment

20131101-170745.jpg
Last night, while hot on the trail of 10 kids hot for trick-or-treats, I ate a mini bag of m+m’s, and a fun sized Twizzler. After all that running last week, it didn’t make a lick of difference! Look at what my scale said today! I won the Halloween candy battle!
Score:
Halloween Candy 39 to Tamara 1
39:1
Clearly I’ve not been the victor in the past, but this year I kicked its asch! Change is in the wind. 🙂
…Which is good because I can’t even remember what day I last took a run! Monday?! Eek!
That should tell you the kind of week I had.
Seriously.
***
update: This many hours and minutes later I’m realizing that this is such a silver lining and boost to see after the hellish week I had! Cheers!

Current Record

Leave a Comment

I didn’t want to run today. Like, at all.
It’s not because of any real reason, I just felt apathetic and like taking a day off. But… I know I need to keep on keeping on, otherwise I’ll lose my momentum. I harkened back to those days of whispering, “Determination,” to myself and did just that today! I kicked my own butt into gear, put on my running shoes and started stretching. I made a deal with myself that I would only have to run the medium loop(formerly ‘big loop’ since we added another block to make the new ‘large loop’) as long as I ran it as fast as I could. So I did!

20131015-191711.jpg
Wahoo! Made me totally happy I decided to go out after all!
I honestly never thought I’d be a runner, but beyond that, I never thought I’d be a runner who pushes herself to run faster and harder. To improve her times and distances on purpose. If I ever thought I’d be a runner, I thought I’d be the kind who trudged through, hating every moment of sheer torture until I could finally sit back down with my diet coke and a fan blowing right at me. I feel really happy today about this battle I seem to have won, of learning what I really can be versus what I thought I could never be.

Belted

Leave a Comment

I’m all celebratory now. I’m so very happy to have met my goal. I’m kinda walking around in a daze…

20130926-212048.jpg
I loved my outfit today. Wanna know why? Because I actually tucked my shirt in and wore a belt. The belt was not covered up with an extra puffy shirt or a folded over belly. In fact, my belly actually was nicely hidden behind the belt and my stomach actually looked kind of flat. How can that be? So far, I really like 225.

20130928-091946.jpg
It seemed appropriate that I should post a comparison series, so I shimmied out of my skirt and sweater and didn’t even really think about the fact that I was basically wearing a onesie with a belt. It’s a little weird, but then I went and took another picture without it and that looked even weirder. Like I was trying to be a forest bark nymph or something. It’s fun to see though. Cool. 🙂

She Did It!

Leave a Comment

I did it! I did it! Funny how just last night I was feeling all guilty about possibly wearing the boots prematurely. Then I hopped on the scale this morning and saw 225. For a second I even saw 224.6, so I decided that its good enough for me. I met my goal! Woot woot!

20130925-170136.jpg
My next goal is to hit 200 by Jude’s birthday. That’s 25 pounds in six months. I think I should be able to do it, hopefully even beat the goal, but I want to make sure I don’t put too much pressure on myself by making an unreachable goal. I need to think up an awesome prize to reach for. That said, while the boots were nice to get, I’m more happy just with the accomplishment of having met the goal. I’ve never been this successful with losing weight. It’s thrilling to finally be doing it.
***
Last night after I got home I was really happy. Like, really happy. I rarely go out and do anything like that so it was an extra big treat to spend an evening among new adult type people… If you know what I mean.
But then I got home, the lights went out, Bradley rolled to his side, crashed out, I was alone with my thoughts and my mind wouldn’t shut up. As if to counterbalance the wonderful evening, my brain went into anxiety overdrive mode and started worrying about, well, anything it could come up with: I have a meeting at work on Friday that I’m over processing. I told silly jokes at the table- good or bad thing? Asking myself if I’m I too tough on my own kids, if am I doing a good job in my classroom? I’m being observed next week for my first evaluation of the year… Oh my gosh it’s 2:00… 3:00… 4:00… Crap. Almost time to rise and shine and get ready…
A few years ago there was an incident that followed a night of little sleep and massive anxiety all night that I decided to go ahead and push through and go to work. The result was me having a full-blown panic attack and crying in a meeting with school district officials and a table full of my colleagues. Talk about learning the meaning of humility, asking them to turn a blind eye to my tears that just would not stop.
I called for a sub this morning at 5:AM, after a few measly moments drowsing before my brain jerked me awake with the realization that I was dropping off to sleep, and hopped in my car. I reached my school at about 5:45 where I put together a really fabulous day for my students. Seriously, there is good learning happening there. When I returned home, at last my exhaustion was able to offer enough drowsiness to muster a few hours of sleep, then I woke up to deal with more anxiety and panic attacks all day. At this writing, it’s 5:00 at night and I already feel like I could crawl in bed for the night. Hopefully I won’t worry all night tonight too.
I associate a lot of my mood swings and anxiety with my cycles. I’m in PMS mode now and, after losing seven pounds over the past few weeks, I’ve certainly released some of the toxins that get stored in fat. I asked a friend of mine, who is versed in the ways of women’s anatomy, if weightloss and the shedding of the toxins and excess hormones that are stored in fat do impact a woman’s mood swings during her cycle, and she said definitely, yes. So I think that has a lot to do with all of this craziness. It will be nice when I’m done losing the weight so I don’t have to put my family (or me) through this every month.
I’ve also noticed my weightloss patterns are changing. Warrior week doesn’t seem quite as important as it once did. I lose weight pretty easily (as long as I stick to my plans) all month long now. Its funny that I’m having an easier time losing weight the smaller it get. PCOS really had a strong grip on me for a really long time. It’s good to be in control.