Independence Day

Today I had a butterfly moment.
One of those moments where you take stock and look at something with new eyes, in this case, me.
Last Fourth of July looked great on film, but behind the smiles were a different story. I’m not talking E! Hollywood Story or anything, but I had just finished my professional certification, had just lost 50-60 pounds and Bradley and I were in a bit of a daze. Life had changed so much, the pro-cert program did not bring out the best in me, at all, and I remember Independence Day being awkward, stilted, out of sync and lonely in that way that you can be lonely while being surrounded people. Like an outsider. Like I didn’t belong.

{July, 2013~Three Capes Lookout, Oregon Coast}
This was a year of growth, for sure. Mostly I grew in that way that my weightloss doesn’t seem that newsworthy anymore. I got used to my skin. My body doesn’t define me in the same way it used to. This year I learned that I love my body and what it can do. I learned that I’m capable of change. This year I learned about being courageous in ways that seem obvious. To speak up when I’m not feeling happy. I think it’s that I don’t want to burden people with more that they don’t need, but I know that saying it aloud sometimes makes it lose its power over me. If I can just break through that wall, all is healed.

In the last year I’ve only lost a net of 25 pounds or so. When I look at it as a total sum, I’m pleased that I’ve lost that much, but also know that with focus I could have met my 170 pound goal. That’s irritating. I learned a lot about my eating habits, recognized reactions I have to food, I was honest about unhealthy habits I deceptively (to myself) maintain. I learned that I can, albeit very carefully, practice intuitive eating as a means to maintain. I figured out that when I step away from tracking calories, I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full and eat LOTS more with increased exercise! I learned how important it is to dangle a goal in front of myself that will help motivate and propel me forward…

I guess what I’m trying to say is that since last Independence Day I’ve gotten to know much more about who I am. I’ve learned what I need and what I won’t accept. I’ve learned that I can tell people I’ve got too much on my plate, that I can’t take their project on as well. I’ve learned to make hard decisions to improve my life, physically and mentally. I’ve learned that I can speak up, face hard things, uncomfortable situations and still behave with dignity. I’ve learned a lot about who I am, but I’ve also learned a lot about my relationship. I’ve learned how much I can trust him and rely on him to be a rock for me. As hard as things were last year, it’s the polar opposite this year.
It’s amazing that as we get older, we just continue to grow up.
Happy Independence Day, indeed!