Month: April 2014

Yesterday we headed north to see the tulips in Skagit Valley, to play on the beach and just roll around in the sun and love together. It was a great day. I was neither super active (it was sauntering around the tulip field and the hiking portion totaled .5 miles) nor was I terribly strict with my diet (pizza, pretzels, a million almonds, a zillion goldfish crackers and a mere two apple slices), but it was a perfect day, nonetheless.
I kept reflecting, while I was up there, that it was this same journey, last year at this time, was when I first realized the impact my inactivity had had on my family. It was the first time I felt sure enough on my feet and had faith in my endurance to attempt a 1/4 mile hike down to the beach and back. I remember being apprehensive about the return hike up the hill as I walked down, and shocked that it was no big deal when we finally ascended. It was the first time I saw, firsthand, the fruits of my efforts. It’s no coincidence that we were there again, when I’ve been feeling less determined, certainly less than last year. It was fun to retrace my steps and remember the strength I discovered last year.

Today we were back at it. We hit the streets as soon as we dropped the second kiddo off at school. I had a great eating day and am feeling pretty solid. We ran 2.8 miles today and did the hill again for a total of 3.8 miles. I also attempted a pull up. That was laughable. However, I did learn that I can actually support my own weight when I am hanging! In fact, I was hanging AND swinging and let go and jumped like a monkey. I felt pretty tough!>

So far, I’M DOING IT!
I wanted to start running more. Well, today I ran three miles and walked one mile-that last one was up a huge hill. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I went out with the dog and the kids later for another mile!
Yesterday I brought my best too! I ran three and walked one then, too, hill and all. I’m doing it! I’m running and walking and being all active again and it feels good to realize that I still can. I’m crazy sore, my knees hurt, my hips hurt and my thighs are burning, but all in the best possible ways. I’m sore and it hurts so good! I wanted to kind of boot camp my booty back into gear, and it seems like it’s working so far! Color me happy.
And check this out:
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That’s right! I journaled my food today! I know, I’m such a good kid, right?!?! I discovered that I’ve been going waaaay over my calorie limits because I haven’t been exercising. No wonder I weigh, gulp, 211 right now. I’ve been eating like I’ve been exercising 900 calories of energy out every day when, truth be told, I’ve been binge watching The Office on Netflix and only making about 6000 steps per day.
I’m glad I decided to journal, too, as it made me very thoughtful all day. I was hyper aware of everything I put in my mouth because I was going to have to document it. I know that at this time last year I was almost obsessive about my intake so I had to back off on the journaling, but right now I think this is a really good thing. I think I’ll try to keep up with it all week in hopes that it will alter my habits for the better. Perhaps I should just make it regular habit for a while… Not a bad idea… Perhaps.
I’m feeling good. Strong again. It’s amazing what some extra sleep, a little exercise and a day of solid eating will do for a girl. Spring Break sure has done me good so far!
🙂

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Spring break started on Friday at 3:40. It was perfect timing. :). I looked like this right before I walked out the door (it was crazy hat day):

I have been having a really hard time lately with food. I’m wanting to eat and eat and eat. I think I can objectively say, at this point, that I am an emotional eater and I’m addicted to food. Or at least I was. I’m feeling things over the past few days that I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s confusing, to say the least.
I never knew that I sought out a feeling of fullness when I am feeling sad. I literally seek out the feeling of a full tummy, like, full to the point where it just starts to feel too full. Just on the edge of uncomfortable, and once I get to that place I feel satisfied… And then I feel disappointed in myself.
So, needless to say, this, again, has not been a stellar week for me. I had binge behavior almost every night and it was difficult to say no to myself… So I didn’t say no to myself. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights, I found myself, swirling through the kitchen, seeking out things that we don’t have on our shelves. I wanted cake, ice cream, donuts, cookies, chips- anything other than the healthy stuff we keep around the house (Bradley does a good job of supporting me by keeping a clean {no junk food} house). Eventually I settled on some skittles we had left over from Jude’s birthday and lots of pop chips and came to the realization that I really can’t be downstairs after a certain point in the evening because I just want to graze the whole time. (We recently rearranged our rumpus room and we are hanging out in it a lot more, so having such ready access to the kitchen after dinner is a new thing for me.)
The good news? I am trying to be reasonable as I binge. While I’m definitely full of food, it is not really too many skittles and pop chips and is mostly tea and diet coke (which I had heretofore given up prior to this week). That said, the binge behavior really bothers me and I really don’t like feeling that lack of control over my food intake. Even this morning, I had a slice of pizza (homemade from last night) and after I ate it I was craving a slice of cake or something- which is bizarre in and of itself- so I ate some yogurt, but realistically I should have been done after the pizza. I didn’t need yogurt as well.
The hardest part about feeling like I’m failing as a dieter and exerciser is that I walk around feeling like a complete failure. A disgusting loser. I feel fat, jiggly and ugly, stupid, boring and, ultimately, like a huge disappointment to most people around me. All because I slipped on my body project. Intellectually I understand that this makes no sense, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about myself. When I look in the mirror I see myself 100 pounds ago- not the 207 pound girl who I have gotten to know lately.
I suppose I should just say that I need to get the diet back in control. That control makes me feel powerful, clean and like I’m doing this! I need to be using my determination strategies- you know- the ones I’m always talking about? Remembering that my destiny is mine to create, that ultimately this is my decision to make, that I am in control. I have the ability to not put things into my mouth that shouldn’t go there. I have the ability to be active anytime! I have the superpowers of Tamara Shazam! I just need to employ them more often.
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I’m grateful for Spring Break this week. I’m worn to a frazzle and, while weekends leave me rested and prepared to teach again the next week, I’m due for an extended healing period. I’m exhausted, emotionally drained and simply worn out. This will be a good week, indeed.
My plan is to get my exercise schedule going again in earnest. I’d like to work out every day this week, but we will see what actually happens.
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My plan when I started writing this post was to write about how I’m going to take a blog break. Really, though, I’m just avoiding my website because I’m not proud of myself right now. I want to write here when I’m being a powerful diet and exercise boss, not a weak, indecisive binger. The reality is, though, that writing and reflecting here is quite healing for me. Forcing myself to stop and write motivates me and confirms my thinking. I think that rather than writing less, I need to write more to maintain my focus and own my behavior a little more.

I’m including this picture because this was my non-scale victory of the week. I took my students to a pioneer village this week and actually went on the horse and buggy ride! I never would have forced that horse to pull me around many pounds back! It was so fun to not worry about that. 🙂

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