Diary

{THANK YOU, ladies. It was a blast. To the point that I’m a little emotional about it and the connections I made with you all tonight.}
Today I finally made it to Zumba!!! Julie, one of my friends from work, has been inviting me to come to class with her and another friend from work, Laurie, and I just never got it together- either my cycle was off from theirs, one of us was getting our evaluation that week, it was a busy week… We came up with lots of reasonable excuses why it just wasn’t working. Then, I was set to go last week, things fell through, and all of the sudden there was this moment where all the stars aligned and suddenly it wasn’t just me going, we were two more with Christina and Jessica, too, for today! It became a must-attend event, so I packed my gym bag and got ready.
I walked into the exercise studio without a clue as to what to expect. I had taken the wrong route to the most impossible-ever-to-find toilet- I actually stopped and asked a topless woman in the locker room where the toilets were before I made it to the gym (I’m sorry, ma’am- I was in a hurry and didn’t even process your state of undress until I was in the stall and realized what the strange look on your face meant… )! By the time I made it to Zumba, it had started and I joined Julie and Laurie, the experienced ones, who were full of grace as they easily executed the moves our instructor was showing.
They made it look sooooo easy. We all laughed a lot- but not at anyone. It was just ridiculously FUN! I smiled for most of the time. Well, I’ll admit that maybe we laughed a little at ourselves and the folly of trying to get the moves down. Honestly, I couldn’t have laughed at anyone else anyhow if I had wanted to. I didn’t have time! I could not look away from our instructor or the woman in front of me for a moment. In, at least this particular Zumba class, the moves don’t repeat as much as I’m used to. I’m sure after a while of doing the class that you’d get used to it, but it wasn’t set up in Jillian Michael’s kinds of circuits; it was fresh, over and over, and just when I’d get the hang of one step we’d start a different one! And just when I’d think that I was getting this Zumba thing down, the song would switch and some bizarro double-time-kick-up-your-heels-while-also-spinning-and-doing-long-division-in-mid-air* move would be introduced. If I couldn’t get it by watching, I’d count like a dancer in 3:4 time and if I still couldn’t get it I would just hop around in place to keep my blood flowing. I felt silly doing the wrong thing, but I’d have felt sillier standing still or getting frustrated.
I want to join the gym. I never thought I’d say that. I loved the class and am trying to finagle a way to procure 300 in spare pocket change to go toward a two year membership that’s available at Costco right now. Decisions, decisions. If I went once a week, only during the school year, the price would average out to about 5.00 per class, but I’m pretty sure I could use it more. The gain is the friendship connections in addition to the class. These are good people who I played with today and I’d like to spend more time with them, but I suck at maintaining friendships outside of work. This could be a way to do that. The downside is that Bradley and I are workout buddies and it would be more hours away from the babies. We rely on one another for that partnership and I hate to think of him missing workouts without me. And kid life. It flies fast and an hour seems like nothing until they are all compounded and you realize you chose to spend days away from them… Over-think things much, Tamara???
Like I said, decisions, decisions…
And yes. I am the person who asks all of her comrades to pose for a sweaty-faced post-workout picture because I think that a sweaty, post-workout face is a beautiful, proud and happy face.

*made up- not a real move.

{the days have been full of sunshine, inside and out}
A friend texted me yesterday and asked if everything is okay. Then a friend at work did the same today. I put two and two together and realized I haven’t posted much lately! Things have been pretty quiet here…
Yes, quiet on my blog, but not in life. I’m entering the time of year that feels like it should be easy-breezy-summertime-goodness, but really it’s a lot of wrapping things up, getting things done and partying while you do it- a lot like Christmas! Insane but happy! So, while I haven’t been busy doing lame stuff, I’ve been at threat level midnight of busy-ness for mostly fun stuff like family visits, mall trips, date nights, music performances… The result has been not to much of the taking care of me, stuff like running or paying close attention to my diet. I haven’t gained anything, that’s for sure. In fact, I’m so busy that I’m finding time to eat to be scarce right now. Today I ate two veggie sausages, three veggie chik nuggets and one coffee- that’s total for the day- a horrible diet! I made up for it tonight, but that’s just to illustrate my crazy days.
So it’s all good. I’m just so busy checking things off lists that blogging and running have fallen to the wayside.
(Truth be absolutely confided, I’m also in the middle of my final observation/evaluation this week. While I’m not really worried – I believe in my abilities as a teacher- it’s still tremendously stressful to stand under the microscope for inspection and invite criticism. I feel the impact weighing oppressively down on me; when it’s gone, life can resume as normal and I can focus elsewhere. I hadn’t realized I was even bothered until last night!)

I love The Oatmeal online comic. I’ve long though the writer, Matthew Inman, is funny in a sincere/cynical/truthful kind of way, I like the way he stands up for himself, I like the way he writes about history… I like him. And then I found out he was a runner and I got really excited when he posted about running long distances, and, really, running all distances because running is hard when it’s hard, no matter the distance! It was hard when I ran for 30 seconds and it was hard when I ran for seven miles. It’s hard when you’re running at any point that you’re pushing yourself. And I love it. I love how I feel after a run. I love the feeling I get after a week or two of consistent running. I love the feeling after I’ve completed a race and I love the feeling of security that I get from being able to endure some time and distance running. I love the way it chases away depression and anxiety. I love what running has done for my body, but I really love that it helped me beat my own personal blerch.

Last year I found out about the Beat the Blerch 10K/Half/Full Marathon far too long after registration was filled and closed. I was sad, thinking of all those people trucking through Carnation, Washington… But this year my friend Jessica just happened to post it to Facebook AND I MADE IT IN! I’m running in the Oatmeal Beat the Blerch 10K!!!! I’m at the stupid level of excitement. I don’t care at all about the cupcakes or magical purple beverage, but I care a lot about the beautiful trail and the actual blerches who will be chasing us along!!! Bwa-ha-hahahaha! I can’t wait!!! Sunday, September 12th, I’ll be there running my 6.2 miles. I can totally do that.

I went on a walk today, just Martha and me. This view made me smile. The wind was blowing and I stood in a shower of petals- it was absolutely lovely. The seven year old in me loved it just as much as the 41 year old I am. 😉

Happiness is NOW.
Happiness is happening to me right now in a big way and it feels just amazing. I haven’t felt this good in about three and a half years. Maybe longer, but that’s about when I triggered big time and started struggling mightily with depression and anxiety.
But not now.

Why am I so happy? Sometimes it’s the little things. Like the little Starbucks espresso shots with cream? They jolt me back to life for the second half of my workday and taste like liquid chocolate. Also? The fossil necklace? Bradley bought it for me as a spring-break/geology-nerd reawakening and I have been surprised, on several occasions, that it glows. I haven’t had glow-in-the-dark jewelry given to me by a boy, who I regularly crush on, for a few years. It makes me smile and I authentically like my glow glob necklace. Ha! And my kids. Sheesh. I’m in one of those super-crushy, crazy-about-my-kids, I-can’t-believe-I-had-anything-to-do-with-something-this-beautiful, what-a-privilege-to-be-their-mom kind of phase. They’re not little things, though. They are, perhaps, the biggest and most important things in my life. I decided, for them, to choose my attitude and not default to getting mad or rage-y anymore and it’s working. I’m nicer, I like myself better, they’re more relaxed, so am I… Beneficial to all. I’m not a ‘mad’ person, per se, but no matter what, anger or rage never feel good to anyone. It’s nice to actively work towards letting it go.
Work is amazing right now. I love my job, my class, my students, my coworkers- it’s just WONDERFUL there! My job is definitely tiring- today was day one of state testing with yours truly as the building coordinator, so lots to do- buts it’s also an incredibly rewarding job. I get to change lives. Today I got to work with four struggling kids on how to subtract with regrouping (formerly known as borrowing), a skill they will have for a lifetime. They got it today! That’s important work! Plus we are getting ready to perform a musical in my class. Today they shared what parts they want, what songs they love and enthused over set design, props and costumes. REAL LEARNING was happening that is FUN! Then they begged me to do more research on their insect reports. Seriously. “Pleeeeeaaase, Mrs. Littlejohn? Can we stay in from recess for Brainworks? Pleeeease??” It’s just all so unbelievably good.
And I keep on weighing in just fine. Today I’m at 200.6. I won’t complain about that one bit. I haven’t worked out since Sunday. It’s ok. 😉
Like I said: I’m so HAPPY!

I had a great Spring Break. People always lament to me that my kids have a spring break the week after mine, how sad that must be, but I love it. As a mom, it’s rare to get time away from my kids at all. I like being around them and am hyper aware of how quickly this parenting young children deal is whizzing by at an alarming rate. As a teacher and mom, I’m surrounded by children all the time– and I wouldn’t change it! Seriously! I love being around children. Most of the time… But even chocolate gets tiring when you’ve had too much of it, and Spring Break is the freebie motherload of childless hours unlike any that I’ve ever experienced since giving birth 11 years ago. It’s like a week long date with my husband and I get to be a stay at home mom for a week and get to experience the joys of dropping off and picking up as well as trying to puzzle out the mystery of where the heck does that time fly during the hours when the kids are at school?! I swear, we just dropped them off and we are putting our shoes back on to go get them again. But I comment, often, that the drudgery and simplicity of this parenting gig is the best thing ever, a privilege. An honor I wouldn’t trade for anything. But this week is admittedly nice. 🙂
My goals for the week were pretty simple:
*Go to Costco and look through the office supplies to find the next cool thing (total bust)
Last year I got both a really inexpensive laminator and a beautiful washi tape dispenser with tons of tape during spring break. This year was significantly less inspiring with the yellow legal pads and sharpies. Woo hoo. Not.

*Go out to eat at least once:
I honestly didn’t think we were going to do this one. We are not people who go out to eat- the limitations of being vegetarians who insist of really healthy, low carb, low fat food choices, meaning not a veggie burger with fries, no mac-n-cheese, no fettuccine Alfredo and no cheese pizza, thankyouverymuch, which are generally the only choices for vegetarians in most restaurants. Add to that some anxiety surrounding going out and the cost of eating out and we generally reserve going out to eat for very unique, special situations for a total of about 2-4 times per year.
But yesterday Bradley surprised me by taking me to three restaurants- we bar-hopped for happy hours! I have NEVER EVER done that! I don’t generally drink so I was fairly sloshy after the first, incredibly delicious weizenbier but forged through to have another beer at a different place and a glass of wine at still a different place. The final restaurant was the same place we went for our anniversary last year and the food was still as good with fancy olives, yummy burrata, the most amazing cauliflower and delicious flatbread. But what was truly amazing was that we went on a date outside of our house to actual restaurants!

*Get crafty
I discovered smash books and am hooked. Smash books are just a way of free styling journaling that takes the small moments of day-to-day life including the artifacts one collects (receipts, ticket stubs etc.) and combines them all in an artistic, interesting, scrap booking kind of way. It beautifully integrates my desire to journal with my interest in scrapbooking and my artistic, creative sensibilities in a way that suits me unlike any other art projects or journal I’ve ever seen or tried to keep. I’m ridiculously excited about journaling during the spring and summer of this year. I decided not to be too strict on myself. If I forget to do a week or day or just don’t have the time to do it then I will just pick it up the next week and keep going. I also really like this because, in general, every time I’m scrapbooking or making cards or making any kind of product with paper, I’m always giving it away. This is one of the first times that I’m creating something that’s completely for myself, so that’s new and I’m really excited.
*Watch an entire TV series/season
I know. Lofty goals, right? But if I don’t include it then it won’t happen and I’ll be disappointed. So, I did this. I watched Season 4 of Louie, which I loved because I am one of the millions who think he’s funny and smart. I also got to thinking about Whitney Houston’s tragic life (idk why, I just live here) and watched three episodes of Being Bobby Brown as ‘research’. I wanted some trash tv and definitely found it. Sheesh. There are some windows one wishes they hadn’t looked through.

*Work out a bunch
I got really into the trail at St. Ed’s and got kind of obsessed with beating my times on it. Bradley commented to me, as we were cruising up some altitude this morning, about how hard I pull myself up that hill and how fast I go- he says I pull him along now. He remarked that it’s so nice to be so equally matched by me and even challenged, athletically, with me. I never thought I’d hear anyone say that, ever! What a compliment! We only missed two days of working out over the past nine days. I call that a success!
*Start Facebook group for work peeps
I’m including this here because I wanted to talk about how Facebook can be such a great tool for getting support. For me, it’s hard to crow to all 300+ of my community that I’ve done something. It just feels weird, and to do it daily is almost embarrassing for me. I just feel sensitive to that one person who really feels depressed and lost and despise updates from people like me…. Anyhow, I have one friend who started a support group for herself as she is trying to get over a weightloss and exercise plateau. She needs a push and accountability, so she carefully selected a small number of friends and invited us to be the people she brags and complains to. I started a similar page for my fish friends at work as another place where we can communicate, complain and crow about how our health focus is coming along.
*Play every day
I played hard in a bunch of different ways, and it was awesome. I had a great week! And now?
Summer break is a mere 9 weeks away! That means only nine more Fridays, nine more Mondays, nine more weeks to get everything done! Only nine more weeks to love on my second graders- and make no mistake- I love on ’em pretty hard, making saying goodbye in June a pretty tearful experience for me. It’s weird, we work so hard at building community, trust and relationships, then we let it go completely, every year, and start fresh. Sometimes it’s a blessing, sometimes a curse. I extra love these kiddos this year… But I think I say that every year! It’s true, though, something about them only being seven, eight and so full of wonder, still. It’s been a tough year, but a really special year. A year I’m not looking forward to letting go… So, many teachers and students return after break with a skip in their step and song in their heart that the next break looming ahead is the king mother of all breaks: summer! And I won’t lie, I’m looking forward to it, but it’s definitely bittersweet and I want to get as much quality learning and time in with my classroom kids. Cheers for a happy return and cheers for a lovely ending as this school year winds to a close!

My brothers and sisters, we are all in this together. As you’ve read over the past several days, I’ve been having ridiculous cravings for everything and anything and so have you! I think my blog is pretty quiet concerning very much interaction between my readers and me. I get the odd comment here and there, responses now and then via Facebook, friends text me from time to time, but this time? Regarding binging? I’ve heard from so many of you.
So many of us are kind of glaring at the Easter Bunny about now, fairly ticked off that we were doing so well and then he literally came by and dropped off a couple of baskets full of candy, all innocent, like we are just going to be able to deal.
Or maybe it’s just spring and we are all active now and therefore hungrier than ever.
Or maybe it’s because we’ve been pushing so hard for so long that we just want a freaking break from all this calorie monitoring and exercising…
Or maybe we are burned out…
Maybe it’s spring break and we want a vacation from it all…
Maybe a lot of things.
But what is certain is that we are struggling, collectively, to get this under control. Thank you all for reaching out to me. You have no idea how helpful it is to hear back from you and know that you are waging similar battles.

Today it’s like a switch flipped and I’m doing just fine. This has been the first day during this break where I woke up without feeling bleary, groggy and I don’t feel like I was drinking heavily or in surgery all night. Honestly? Until quite recently my job has been harder than ever, in my life, and I think I’m in a little bit of recovery from it. During break, though, I think I’ve been looking to food to kind of kick start me every day, but I know it’s a big fat no-no that gets me in a bad place, so instead I’ve been leaning hard of coffee to no avail. But today? I woke up, opened the blinds, breathed the fresh air and planned what kind of workout I was going for. I ate normal food and didn’t pine for things like I have all week long. When that binge-y-crave-y thing lets up on it’s hold over my brain, my inner fat girl sits down and goes to sleep and active girl goes to town. Love it.
With my newfound clarity I was able to see what I had done in my binge-y crave-y state. I amassed a small hoard of crappy, sugary foods for ‘just in case’ or ‘when I need it’. I bought four Cadbury Caramel Eggs, a big bag of Cadbury mini eggs plus the makings for a delicious Peanut Buster Parfait for ‘when I earn it’. Are you kidding me? I ‘used to’ have a food hoarding problem. Something tells me that I still can and do from time to time. Fortunately, I stayed true to my promises for future earnings of bad food choices and didn’t binge on it’s eat more than some of the mini eggs. I mostly just collected it. Now I need to figure out what to do with it. Oh, the problems we food addicts make for ourselves…

Today I had a goal to beat my time on this hiking trail at St. Edward that we use a lot. I’m consistently 2nd or 3rd to last in all the segments according to the app I use (if you get the Strava Run app you can follow me, too!). Whenever anyone does better than me and takes my position I get a message that so and so moved up in the ranking and is now in 17th and I’m in 18th, or whatever. Today I wanted speed. I wanted to see how fast I could go on this trail if I really was allowed to run as fast as I want, us encumbered by children. But we took the dog who, halfway through, she started throwing up and slowing down. She is 13 years old so, of course, we listen to her and slow down. But even still? I moved up to 3rd-10th from my previous 17th-19th rankings! I want to return again tomorrow, this time leaving the dog at home, to see what I can really do. Don’t worry, we will take Martha around the neighborhood on a geriatric dog’s speed walk.
Bradley made me laugh pretty hard when he accidentally brought along the gigantic, sleeping-bag-sized Target shopping bag to clean up Martha’s poo. For big jobs! I laughed even harder when he ran low enough on bags that he had to use it! (She’s turned into a serial jobber in her old age, requiring 4-7 pick-ups per walk! So yucky! It’s why I leave her home when I run now.)

This week is crazy. Crazy, CRAZY, CRAZY with all of the impulsive eating I’m wanting to do and all of the impulsive eating that I’m saying no to, it’s insane! Oh my goodness. Everything I see or hear or smell prompts some kind of internal meter that immediately shoves this newest desire to the front of the line, usurping all of my previous cravings, making this interloper the newly crowned King of the Cravings whose needs must be met. Right now. One would think I was pregnant, considering all that I want to eat RIGHT NOW. (Nope, not pregnant – and never will be again. That was all negotiated into my c-section when we had baby number two. Phew!)
Today we drove past the Dairy Queen. As an adult, Dairy Queen is not a place I frequent very often at all, but when I was a kid it was the celebration place that we would go to whenever we had performed in a play or had made some awesome presentation to grown-ups outside of the school day. My go-to treat was always the Peanut Buster Parfait- hot fudge, Spanish peanuts and vanilla ice cream all topped with whipped cream! Today my inner fat girl wanted that more than anything…. On the way back from Costco, where we had seen the Dairy Queen before getting on the freeway, it was all I could talk about. Bradley mentioned that it’s ok for me to cut loose every once in a while and let myself have a peanut buster parfait, but I started going on and on about my inner fat girl and the deals I make with her.
I was reminded of Monica, from the show Friends, in season four where she finally has an opportunity to go on a date with the most popular boy from high school: Chip Matthews! Unfortunately, he is also Rachel, Monica’s best friend’s, ex-boyfriend, who treated Rachel horribly at a dance. In defending her desire to go on this date with Chip despite how awful he he had treated Rachel, Monica says:

I totally do this! I talk my fat girl down from the ledge all the time! And I rarely let her eat! Right now I keep telling her that soon enough ‘we’ will be able to enjoy a treat of the Peanut Buster Parfait, but first ‘we’ need to get further down below 200 because I don’t want that treat to turn into poundsover 200 that I will need to re-lose. I want a cushion of 3-5 pounds below 200 before ‘we’ start celebrating with delicious ice cream treats.
We.
Did you notice that ‘we’ in there?
As I was explaining all of this to Bradley I realized the terminology of ‘we’ to describe these two, very different sides to myself. My fat girl had control for close to forty years, my active girl was the one who was hidden and buried before. We bought her hiking boots, subscribed to backpacking magazines for her, we read hiking memoirs and looked longingly at couples running around the neighborhoods together and even ventured, breathlessly, up a mountain or two, but I rarely let her speak or act out because she likes to do hard things. Things that were linked to failure and humiliation back then, and there’s nothing my fat girl hates more than failure and humiliation, so she suppressed my active girl. She won for years, decades… A lifetime.
So, now, I do tell her to shut up, sit down and chill out. She had her turn and look where it got me. Her cravings can’t be louder than my health and she will get shut down, because my active girl is in control now. I like it much better that way, but it’s been insanely hard the past few days. My inner fat girl just loves it when PMS happens. She shouts at me, all day long, for every stinking moment, all the things I could be eating and the exercise I don’t need to do. Even if I’m full, she still harasses me to eat a jelly bean or a cracker or… Anything! Like, seriously, almost anything in my mouth will please her.
But not letting her have it makes my active girl powerful and happy; just the way I like it.
(It should be noted that I have all the ingredients in my house to make the peanut buster parfait right now. I have the policy of not denying myself because I obsess, so I negotiated the ingredients so I can make mini parfaits… Good compromise, I think, and I can parfait it up for weeks! Oh goodie! LOL! Because I need that temptation around…)

Today we headed to the beach for day three of Spring Break. Yesterday we headed down to the Tacoma Art Museum for the Georgia O’Keefe show. It’s been a really fun Spring Break! Exercise has been a bit off, but I’m hitting the veggies really hard. Tonight we had pizza, Brussels sprouts, green salad and tomato salad for dinner and by the time I was halfway finished with my veggies I was too full to eat my pizza! 🙂

I saw this today and it fits me to a T! SO TRUE!
***
The word fat is offensive and hard to swallow for some people, I realize, but I totally did that thing of owning a word that has negative connotations in the pejorative sense and shifted it to describe me in a simply descriptive way. (Like how our ethnic and LGTBQ brothers and sisters have owned the terrible names they have been taunted with.) There’s nothing wrong with fat- being fat, having fat, loving fat… I rejected myself because of my fat, rejected my husband’s love and adoration because I couldn’t trust that he loved my fat, I rejected life because of my fatness, so to use that word so casually, so normally, just as a simple adjective is quite meaningful and significant for me, so please accept my intent and lack of offense at it’s use. 🙂

Happy Easter!
What did you do today to celebrate? We are pretty low-key over here at Lj House about Easter. We dye eggs, the Easter Bunny visits and hides the eggs, we find the eggs and then we usually chill out around the house in a combination sugar coma and exhaustion from children waking their mommy up at 6:30 on a Sunday. Of course I’m kidding about being grouchy. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was a pleasure to hunt for eggs while I sipped my coffee this morning.

After breakfast, Jude and I finished putting in our garden. I bought the plants and then wimped out, thinking it was still too cold, but then last week we had all kinds of 60-70 something degree weather that my plants would just have loved. I decided to risk it, today, and we did it all. We have lettuce, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumber, beans, corn, basil, chard… I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t wait to enjoy our garden this summer, and it sure was a pleasant way to spend the morning with my sweet boy.

After we finished up, we were all still feeling super lethargic. I managed to pretty much steer clear of all the Easter candy, but those few jelly beans that I did eat (8, to be specific) made me have a sugar rush and sugar crash like I can’t believe! It was not fun. We decided to get going, to get moving with a run/walk at St. Edward Park. After we finished climbing the ridge, I challenged Jude to run for a distance. He decided to show me his stuff because he ran all the way to the water’e edge! I was so impressed! Of course, Gigi couldn’t go fast enough or far enough. We kept coming around the bend to find her running back to us or waiting for us to catch up, then she’d zoom ahead, up the hill… And then she came home to make a chia/kefir/coconut milk/almond milk ‘pudding’ with stevia and cocoa powder. She’s just incredible with this new drive she has. The hike did the trick and made us all feel awake and ravenous, so we came home and made Easter egg salad on lettuce, crackers or bread for dinner.
An excellent day.
Oh, and dessert? Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln, I ate a Cadbury Cream Egg. In the hot tub. Glorious.

Yesterday Gigi and I went on a girls shopping trip and I bought leggings. I have never worn leggings in a pants capacity, like not under a skirt, but Brittany, as in, Brittany herself, wears leggings, a tshirt and mouse ears in Disneyland and it just looked so comfortable and like it makes sense on vacation. Light, simple, ample coverage, so I tried it out today to see if I liked wearing leggings on their own. Well, I understand the draw to leggings. OH MY GOODNESS! Talk about comfortable. I can see why toddlers, teens, moms and old ladies love them. I’m not sure you will ever see me in real pants ever again.
***
Last night I talked with Bradley about my new rule of no food after 8:00, and he said that he would support that and join in, avoiding the night snacking. It’s so nice to have that support, and as a result, last night went really well. I’m pleased and looking forward to similar success tonight!

I wanna eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until I die. Turkey! Pasta! Sweet potato pie! Pancakes, piled up, till they reach the sky! A lot a lot a lot a lot… At least I’ve been feeling a lot like Goofy singing that song as I look at everything lately! Geez Louise- I do want to eat everything I see right now!

Whenever I make a big recommitment to myself, like I did on April Fools Day, I also have to deal with some fallout regarding the bad habits I’ve allowed to build up. I always think I’m doing one thing pretty solid and then I uncover a behavior that makes me realize why I’ve stopped losing weight and started maintaining (or gaining, in darker moments). This time I’ve discovered a lovely little night-binging habit that I’m having to break. As you know, I deny myself nothing; it’s one of the rules about my diet. If I want chocolate then I get to eat chocolate. I only cut things from my diet* that I’m willing to say goodbye to forever, so I still eat everything I love, I just make sure to leave room in my caloric allowances.

{this girl begged me to go running today (smug, happy mama, here)}
I discovered the binge issue on night one as I headed upstairs to the bedroom. The kitchen was all like, “Yoo-hoo! Tamara! Hey! There’s chocolate over here! Come look!” The kitchen lied. There is no chocolate, aside from a possible Cadbury egg I may be saving for Easter morning, but I’ll be darned if every time my kitchen calls if I don’t get up, walk to the pantry, stare inside, then make the rounds and do the same to the fridge, to the garage and then I tell myself to sit down until the kitchen calls me again and I start it over. I was done being tempted, but I thought I should make my tea before I went upstairs so while I waited I also made the rounds one last time, and it was like my lizard brain turned on and every door I opened netted something in my mouth- a corner of brownie, a few almonds, a couple bites of leftover soup from dinner, then I couldn’t decide between plain or BBQ flavored Pop Chips, so I just grabbed both and headed upstairs. By the time I got there I realized I was on the edge of being full again, so closely after dinner, and I realized what had happened! I added up the calories and realized I was still ok, within reasonable range of my calorie goals, so no harm was done, but the behavior was one that obviously I was pretty comfortable with since I didn’t even really think about what I was doing. I had been on autopilot as I went from place to place, seeking food when I wasn’t even hungry.

{my runner bean}
I made a goal the next night to plan my evening treat ahead so I could relax and not obsess over my dessert, making rounds through the kitchen over and over and giving myself too many opportunities for temptation. It was just a little after 7:00 when I had to go upstairs to avoid the siren’s song of my kitchen. I took a bag of Pop Chips with me and I was mostly successful. Even though I was imprisoned in my room to keep from filling my mouth I still managed to find a few almonds and a bag of animal crackers to nosh on.
I’m feeling pretty solid about beating the desire to binge, though, so I’m forgiving. I’m winning already. I feel like I discovered it and am taking steps to break the night snacking habit and I know that just recognizing the problem and calling it out is about half of the work. I do, however, need to remember not to feel guilty of thought crime as I’m breaking this binge habit. Since I used to rarely ever say no to myself, I often think that if I’ve wanted to eat something that I have eaten it and can get really down on myself when I have to deny myself a lot. Not because I’m sad about not eating the food, but because it’s exhausting to constantly deny myself my addiction, so I just think the worst of my control and have a hard time separating the truth from my alternate reality. My brain just gets confused.

This is my focus, now. My exercise is solid, my nutrition is good through the day, I just need to curb my night eating issues, again, and I’ll start losing pounds. I have faith in myself, though. Each night I’m getting stronger at saying no and the habit will disappear within the next few nights. I definitely think I need to make my blanket rule of trying not to eat after 8:00 a focus for the present! 🙂
***
Guinevere asked me to go running after shopping for her new, spring wardrobe today. I could hardly say no! I was not able to run for the entirety- I got a side ache and ran with it for a mile and a half before it got the best of me. My girl, however, is so inspired by Becky’s fitness log (from Strongisthenewskinny94), that she is starting up some pretty serious running habits. This week she ran about nine miles and neither Bradley nor I can keep up with her anymore, she is so fast! She told me that she likes to run about every other day now and she wants to explore alternative healthy cooking like me! She’s actively making a list of recipes and ingredients for us to explore this summer! Proud doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings about being her mom. <3 * The word 'diet' does not mean 'restricted food plan' to me, I use it as a common noun to simply describe the food I eat. 🙂

I like my body.
For the first time ever in my life I really like my body.
This was realized yesterday morning when I was perusing some of my old before/during/after pictures and was surprised at how I used to look. Sometimes I forget that I ever looked like that. When I was a size 24/26/28/30, I knew I was a bigger woman, but I had the ability I see myself differently than I see my former self when I look back now. I don’t see myself in her anymore; she’s a totally different person. Somehow, I had no idea that I was that large, somehow my ability to hide things from myself even came with some lovely mirror blinders that allowed me to see myself as an 18/20 rather than the truth. It’s funny how I could fool myself into thinking that weighing 340 was really being just ‘kind-of’ chubby and a ‘little bit’ fat. It’s really surprising. I thought I was so much more honest with myself than I was actually being.

When I went downstairs, after looking at my pictures, I started talking a little bit to my daughter about this and that, and somehow it came up that she knows I don’t like my body. I was so surprised that she so clearly ‘knew’ I didn’t like my body because I know I LOVE my body!

My body is strong and healthy! I can run, dance, do planks, do burpees, wall-sits, sit-ups, push ups (but not pull-ups yet)! I love the shape of my body now. I realized that I’m quite happy sitting in the 199-203 range. I’m capable and cute, I can shop in any store, yet I am not slender to the point that I look weird for my age. I feel like I’m doing my forties way better than I did my thirties. And frankly? I think I’m pretty for the first time ever. So not only do I feel strong and capable, I feel cute too. I love my body and myself for the first time ever… Really, I’m allowing myself to fall in love with the outside of myself for the first time ever, and it’s not a moment too soon. Life is too short to be hating on someone so important.