Diary

I’ve coined a new term in my own head: The Wander-run. A wander-run is when I just start running all over the place without having a real distance, destination or speed in mind. It’s just me going and going and going for as far as I want until I feel done. I’ve really been enjoying it.

I started the wander-run a few weeks ago when I was at a park with my kids and didn’t feel like standing around and watching them swing, nor did I feel like giving them an obligatory 20 minutes and then hustling them along. Instead I just started taking laps in the parking lot, running across the field, following random, surface trails and basically just didn’t stop running until they were played out. Then, the other day, I found myself running all over the high school while my family played tennis. I had put in an hour of playing tennis with my kids (they are not bad, but there was no sweat being broken on me) and needed to get some cardio. Add to that the large number of high school boys who started swarming the field directly near us for a game and I kind of wanted out of there; the tennis court started feeling like a fishbowl!
So I ran. I didn’t have anything in mind, I just started running. I ran one way to see what was down one hill, and eventually back up the hill, through a field, a parking lot and finally I ended up doing laps around and around the track because it was so easy and simple and I could actually close my eyes a little on the straightaways and zone wayyyyy out. I have to say, it was kind of awesome. Exciting. Awesome in that way that made me get all excited and start thinking about what it means… why I like it… what made me excited about it.
I realized I’m not scared anymore of getting stuck somewhere and being too tired to get back. I trust that my body is strong enough to get me out of most valleys and off most hills. I have decent endurance now, too… I can slow run for quite a while…LOL. But mostly? I’m bored with my regular running routes! They used to comfort me but now they torture me and I can’t wait for a run to be over! I need to mix it up and try something new. No wonder I don’t love running as much as I used to- I look at the exact same scenery step after step, day after day, year after year… It’s nice to see something new! They say that when something gets stale to change it. I guess I was at that point…

Look at that picture above. I mean, look at it. Doesn’t it look good? Like, don’t you want to plow into those chocolate pancakes like nobody’s business? I do. I saw them and wanted them for breakfast right now, yesterday, git in meh belly.
The funny thing about this is that I found the picture this morning when I was looking at random people’s Instagram accounts. The woman’s name was ‘strongisthenewskinny, and I always appreciate it when people focus on health and strength over losing weight and appearances, so I clicked over and started looking at her account, came across the pancakes and wondered what the heck they were doing on an account that was supposedly for healthy eating and living. Obviously I had to investigate further and when I did I found out that the pancakes are completely healthy, with spelt flour, coconut oil, rice syrup, cacao and all kind of other healthy food alternatives.

My initial response was that of frustration. Of course the pancakes were going to be full of all those really hard-to-get ingredients that we don’t have in our cupboard. Upon further reflection, I realized that we do have a lot of those weird flours, sugars and grains in our cupboard, I just don’t know how to efficiently use them. I realized that when I learned to cook, I learned how to cook with the science of white flour, butter, water and sugar, not with the science of gluten-free, wheat-free and alternative sugar substitutes. I know what happens and can predict the outcome when I put butter, milk, flour and bouillon in a hot pan – I will get some gluten-y gravy. If I did the same thing but substituted almond flour, I would end up with a literal hot mess!
What I realized this morning was that if I’m going to actually change the way I eat long-term, and if I really do want to be a person who eats healthy foods- like those healthy, yummy, chocolate pancakes like it’s not a big deal- then I’m really going to revise the way I approach the kitchen altogether. I’m going to need to relearn to cook and become fluent with the science behind what happens with these newer-to-me cooking materials. I need to be fearless and I’ll need to take risks.
It was actually quite a relief to understand why looking at recipes like this can be an alluring frustration for me. They really are easy recipes that are simple to do, it’s mostly just learning how ingredients function together, trusting the recipes, being open to new things and making sure that I have supplies available in my pantry.

Isn’t it nice when you kind of figure a puzzle out?

Bradley and I each committed to taking a run with our kids this weekend. I was running with her and he would run with the boy. When I asked my daughter for a running date and asked her how far she’d like to run, she picked an uninspired and short route near our house. Undeterred, I just changed it up and decided to take her to a new course at Bothell Landing, near our house. It’s a little over two miles to do the loop, and while it wasn’t too much longer than the loop she chose, at least it was a little more inspiring as it winds along a waterway and through some pretty trees.
When we left, the boys decided to come with us to run there as well. I was really proud of both my kids. She ran almost the entire way with me, and he ran quite a distance- further than ever before. I felt proud of both of them. We ended with a trip to a park on the trail, and while the kids played on the playground, Bradley and I ran around the parking lot and all over the walkways adding up an additional two miles. But the time we left the park I had run over four miles! Not too shabby!

Our latest issue of Runner’s World magazine came today. I find it funny that we still get a paper periodical, that it’s about running and that I actually read it. Anyhow, it had an article about cool half marathons available throughout the country, and I was introduced the See Jane Run half marathon that takes place in my own fair city of Seattle. I got all excited because it is a run for women that is not a stereotypical pink and sparkly women’s run. It didn’t sound all crazy and uber-serious or anything, but I liked the idea of partaking in a women’s race without all the literal frills, as the magazine said. And it takes place within my training time frame- on July 12th, running around Lake Union on a nice, flat course. I know I said I was going to do the Rock and Roll Half, but the friend I was doing it with has an injury preventing her from running it now, and this one just speaks to me a little more, if I’ll be running it on my own anyhow. I feel pretty excited about this… 🙂

Every once in a while I am asked to sub for an after school exercise program my school has called Move 60. I was asked to sub today and I wasn’t really into it, which told me that I’ve been a little off this week. I needed to do report cards, which I did, but I really needed to get my rear moving, too! My nutrition was solid but I was tired, sore and not at all interested in exercising. I told myself I could take Monday and Tuesday off, but then Wednesday happened, too. I used the excuse of ‘insane days at school,’ which have really and truly been insane, to avoid the workout. (The post-Super Bowl letdown is coursing madly through my second graders’ systems, and the modeling of brawling and poor sportsmanship did nothing for some of my students’ interactions this week.)
So, even though I didn’t want to, I did it. I went to Move 60 and ran the warm-up with the kids, which is always fun. They all try to race me, forgetting that I don’t care about fast, I care about endurance. They are so cute as they burn out, over and over, then rev up again to race me as I come around the bend again and again and again. They all remark at how red my face turns, which makes me wonder if I have a bizarrely red face, but then I just realize that little kids have to critizice adults when they see them doing something they’re competitive about. It hurt my feelings until I realized what was going on there!
Anyhow, I only got to run with them for about ten minutes, so when I got home I ran for 15 more on the treadmill. When I weighed myself, 204.8! I had one of those moments of disbelief, hopping on and off several times and rubbing my eyes before I let it settle in… Cool! 🙂

Well, well, well. If you hadn’t heard, I’m from Seattle and we kinda sorta have this team called the Seahawks that played the Super Bowl today for the second time. I’m telling you what, people around here are crazy for this! The kids in my class were more amped up than before Christmas, before spring break, before the last day of school- NUTS!

{Seen on a tree today. February 1st. Oi.}
I am not a football fan at all. I’m not a team sports watcher anyways, but the brutality (head injuries) of football paired with the population of people I work with (who look up to and imitate the players) makes it a harder pill for me to swallow than other sports. That said, there is an element of blue and green that actually made it into our home this year, had us following the score and even had us eating a feast! Who woulda thunk it?!
Our day started out fairly normal. Rise and shine, but then I decided I needed to make a big feast. I wasn’t sure why I needed a feast, but today felt like a feast day, so we drove all over the east side in seek of vital wheat gluten. With all the gluten allergies out there, suddenly our very necessary vegetarian, binder-protein source that we rely on has become more and more scarce. It took three stores until we finally found some to make our veggie ribs. I know that sounds weird, but omg they are yum.

After errands, we came home, I ran a few miles on the treadmill, we cooked, cleaned, we lazed… It was good.
Last year we went for a walk during the Super Bowl. It was a really special walk as the Seahawks scored their first touchdown and then their second of that game while we were out. With each one, our hill lit up with hollering, noise and fireworks. This year we planned our walk to be during the game hoping for the same kind of noise and we weren’t disappointed. We heard the first score, the second score, then the score that put the Patriots ahead. Hollers and honking for the win, grousing and grumping and groaning when the patriots scored, neighbors hollering across the hood: SEA, to which a reply would come: HAWKS! It’s a pretty interesting vantage point to observe the game from.

From there we came home, followed the score and made our feast. It ended up being a pretty fun day, with us celebrating the Seahawks in our fairly unusual way.
This year I have a different attitude about the Seahawks. While I still don’t love them, I see things they do outside the sport which make me appreciate them. I love how their gameplay has knitted our Washington/ Seattle community together over something positive. How often do we support one another for authentically positive and good things? I also really appreciate that the Kingdome, you know, the building that got knocked down to make the new play field and no longer exists, well, it finally got paid off because of the hawks. Bonus!
I’m hoping for a win. I hope my second graders come to school tomorrow tired, but happy. Excited that they won, excited that the whole brouhaha is over at last. Happy Super Bowl Sunday, all!
***
So. They lost.
Poor Seahawks and Seahawks fans.
🙁

I’ve been doing really well this week. I ran a couple of times, I went roller skating, we went for walks and I was the best little calorie counter and healthy eater that there ever was. Well, maybe not that ever was, but certainly satisfactory to me. My effort paid off, too. Even though I’m in PMS beast-mode (Seahawks ain’t got nothing on my PMS mode…), even though I usually retain water and gain fat this week, even though I want to stuff food into my cheeks like a hamster during this week, I still lost a pound. That’s how good of a kid I was! Woo-hoo!

Before the holidays I wrote to my colleagues at work, just kind of throwing it out there what I’m doing with my body project and all, and I also asked if people wanted to form a kind of, well, a support group is the best word for it, I guess. Our group is called the ‘flourishing fish’ in connection to our fish philosophy we have at my school. Yesterday I invited them all to my classroom for a lunch, the purpose of which was simply to put a face to the other folks who have a similar health-focus, interested in making a health shift or continuing a positive direction they are heading. I’m telling you what, it could have been all awkward and stuff, but it was so fun! We came together and were able to safely state what it is that we are doing and the direction we would like to go in. We talked about the things that help us and motivate us, and one of the universals was that when you know someone else is working out, we want to as well. When someone asks us if we are working out that night, it encourages us to do just that. It was especially nice to realize we are all in the same boat, time crunched and trying to seek a balance. It was so refreshing to talk with those ladies and find that community. It was a small thing, but I truly feel like belonging with those people is a huge step in the right direction.
…Have I mentioned how much I just love my new school? LOL!
As an aside, I actually think it is kind of a smart thing to start fresh at a new workplace from time to time if you can. It gave me the opportunity to start fresh with new people and fall in love with a new place all over again… And we all know how fun it is to fall in love…
Tis happened as soon as everyone left. This bag of pretzels fell out of my cupboard and went everywhere. I think it’s time to reorganize.

In the past I’ve talked a bit about motivators and presents I offer myself for a job well done or goal reached. In the past, I chose things like boots, a spa day, eyelash extensions- things that made me feel good, but really, I wasn’t motivated by those activities to lose weight. They never altered the path of the cookie to my mouth. They were just kind of a trophy at the end. I didn’t think external motivators worked for me.
I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, WRONG!
I needed my boys, apparently. I needed the New Kids on the Block.
I have to tell you, I’m so weird about them. When I was a kid, I initially liked them because my best friend did. I picked Donnie* by default because he wore a peace sign and I strongly wanted to identify as a green peace-peacekeeper-environmental-hippie type, but really, boy bands fit nowhere into that. However, just like the constant radio play of Prince’s When Doves Cry in 6th grade made me acclimate and eventually like that very song I hated, NKOTB grew on my like a fungus. I just couldn’t shake it. I was listening to The Cure, REM, Soft Cell, Depeche Mode, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys… And the New Kids. They were my dark master. I tried to be ok with it by including a picture of them on my notebook collages, next to my other true love, The Pet Shop Boys, but I was always mortified when anyone saw the New Kids, hidden down there in the corner near cooler, more appropriate bands.
I was so happy when I got over them. I remember sitting in paperstaff, listening to people mock them as their upcoming Magic Summer Tour came around in 1990. Who wanted to cover that story? I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I was going- a 16 year old senior in high school. The concert came and went, and when they left town they finally vacated the majority of my heart and thoughts as well. Through the years, I would jokingly tell people that I used to love them. It came in handy for those two truths and a lie kinds of games- no one would ever suspect I ‘used to ‘ like them.
The rest of the story you know. I decided to take a walk down memory lane at their concert for my 40th birthday, and when they invited me to just let go and have fun, I did. I loved that concert like the self-conscious 16 year old in me could not and finally became a blockhead for life. I let go and crushed on those boys hard, screaming with glee as they, sang, danced, bared their abs and shook their booties, I waved my arm in the air for Hanging Tough and bought in. When I left the concert this time, I brought them home with me and I haven’t strayed too far since.
I still think I’m a big dork for liking, nay, adoring the New Kids, I especially dislike their name, but they do something for me, for us. I see through them, now and know that they are playing a part. They are playing the part of the doting husband, the adoring boyfriend, the guy who loves his lady and sometimes we need to hear that from someone. So I’m happy they do that for people who need it. They don’t take themselves too seriously anymore and they seem like just really nice guys.
I’m going on and on about them, I realize. This is a long story to get to the point that I am totally using their concert as motivation unlike I’ve ever done before. I consider eating something or skipping a workout, and immediately I remind myself thinking about my deal: either in the 180’s or resting assured in the knowledge that I did everything in my power. I am always making the right choice, knowing they are looming right in front of me. I need to do everything I can. Everything. I’m pretty hard on myself and I will feel guilty partaking in my unknown whatever it might be bonus if I really feel like I’ve not done my best. I’m excited for warrior week- it will be that many pounds closer to seeing my boys… Maybe even at an after party…
Ai-yi-yi!
*sorrynotsorry! I am a woman after all…

It suddenly occurred to me that this is it. I’m in my final leg. I’m doing it. Like, by the time May rolls around, I plan to be in the 180’s and there’s really nothing standing in my way. I’m enthusiastic about exercise, I’ve got my calories totally under control… I’ve lost 14 pounds this month. 14 pounds! Seriously! I looked at Bradley and told him that warrior week is just around the corner. If I can stay solid in my workouts and nutrition, there’s no reason that I won’t see solid numbers in February too. Then I got so excited. It occurred to me that this is it. I’m greeting my future, finally, free of most of the tethers of all the extra weight and girth, body and mind! I believe in myself so strongly right now! I’m doing it! Like, for real! And I know it’s going to happen; I believe it. 185ish by May 6th. This is happening. This is real. This is a dream come true.

It is hard to say things like what I said above. My heart is all pitter-pat that I’ll fall on my face and embarrass myself with failure, but this is how I do things. I say it out loud then try my hardest to will it into being. I really don’t mean to sound arrogant, I hope you understand. Confident, sure. I appreciate your kindness in reading my words. 😉
The crown was a gift given to me from a darling little second grader in my class. Go to my Instagram to see the full story.

This Christmas I loaded my Amazon wishlist with a bunch gear to accompany my running hobby- a headlamp, fancy ponytail hat, muscle rollers and safety gear out the wazoo. My dear mom bought me this hot little fashion piece I’m modeling in the picture above.
I created a chart to show the cause:effect relationship between running, cars and safety gear:

I feel like a total running nerd when I’m decked out like this, but I like living. Weird like that.
The other day we were laying around our house feeling that apathetic, frumpy, blah-ness that comes with a winter day without much movement. I never worry about being lazy anymore. When I am on- point for exercise I usually hit about four to five workouts per week. It’s rare for me to hit more than five workouts per week or less than two. I’m a good kid, which is a totally unique experience for me regarding my fitness. I’m proud of my activity level, but didn’t know how proud!
So I was kind of grousing about feeling lazy and the bruisy feeling from lazing around with an iPad for far too long when Bradley went and said it was because we were ‘out of shape’ with all the sitting around we’d been doing over the past several weeks. Ooh, SNAP! Well, that ruffled my feathers right up and I came back, finger waving and head bobbing, defending myself and my working out, that I only stopped when I was sick, I ran all through my Christmas break- every single day of it except once- and I am in shape, how dare he…
Lol. He was talking about why he was feeling cruddy. Not me.
Defensive much, Tamara?
My poor husband.
Even though that was a misunderstanding, it did get me to thinking. As we tucked into our final mile for the 5k yesterday I felt good. Bradley remarked at how amazing we were doing, how much endurance we had and how we really were in better shape than he thought. Of course I ran my jaw at this, how awesome we’re doing, how consistent we are, how athletic and in shape we really are, but I think we say these things because of our unique perspectives. He uses negatives to motivate himself. He tells himself he’s out of shape and guilt gets him moving. If you lay guilt on me, I get hurt feelings and give up quite quickly, lay down and call it a day, so it ticks me off to have to defend against that, I think. For me, I constantly tell myself that I’m amazing, a badass. I am strong, fierce, powerful and an athlete. But it will all go away if I stop, so I have to keep moving forward. I suppose that’s the use it or lose it model.
Today we ran again, and while I can say I’m in decent shape, I can definitely feel those two big runs two days in a row on my thighs. They feel huge and swollen and painful, just like a couple of well worked out muscles should.
Can you tell I’m feeling it? That I’m determined, motivated and moving forward? Life is good, these days, and I’m trucking forward on my 2015 goals. Here’s to keeping going, safety geared up running nerd and all!

{my chart topping heaviest and today}
This weekend, two years ago, I made a commitment to myself. I decided to become a weightloss warrior, to become a healthier version of myself. I decided that this weightloss thing wasn’t going to just happen, I was going to have to will it into being. At that time, I wanted to weigh 230. I figured I would be about a size 16 and could make it through life much happier and with greater longevity than I was at my then-weight of 320-340 and size 28-30. Since then, it’s been quite an adventure. I thought I was going to lose weight and kind of made my tag line of ‘I’m growing super powers and losing other things’ kind of with a flip attitude, unsure of what to say there but needed to say something… I had no idea that losing weight would be such a deep head trip too. There’s been a complete rewiring and remodeling of me. It’s been so difficult but the best thing I’ve ever done in my life besides Bradley and my babies.
Today I was pondering my progress and process, and I have to say I am pretty amazed that I’m two years into this project. I’ve been living this lifestyle for some time, now. When I sent out that letter to all of my friends and family two years ago, it was such a leap of faith. It was so scary. So unbelievably scary to admit to everyone that I had a food addiction problem, but even more, to publicly say that I was going to fix it. To be held accountable in front of everyone. I knew that every time I saw those people for the next several months they would be looking for signs of success or failure, and I needed it to be success. Not for them, but for me. There was no option to fail; I couldn’t have borne it. Sending out that letter was one of the greatest and most terrifying, courageous things I could have ever done, and today it reminded me of a wedding. I invited people to witness this commitment I made to myself.
And from that, I thought of AA and how people who are addicts find a community, own their transgressions and continue to shout their battles out to their people. I needed that too. I’m an addict, just the kind of addict who has to use her drug every day without ever giving it up cold turkey. I need you all. I need this. More and more, I’m also realizing how much I needed that commitment. My rebirth. My come-to-Jesus moment. My rock bottom.
In a way, today is absolutely my new birthday. I’m a born- again life-liver.
It’s been two earnest years with about 140 pounds of fat lost, lots of muscle gained and a brand new lens to look at life through. I’m active, happy, secure and a more complete version of myself than I ever imagined I could be. Life is so good. Perfect? Never. But pretty damn good.
Happy birthday to me, and a happy blogiversary to us all, indeed!

Today I celebrated my birthday/blogiversary with the Runs For Cookies Virtual 5k. Bradley and I ran it today in about 37 minutes. It was a lovely run in the beautiful January sunshine. In 2013 I started following runs For Cookies the Monday after Katie’s birthday, which is also when she sponsors her 5K. I decided that if this whole weightloss/exercise thing stuck that I would celebrate my anniversary every year with this fun, free 5K, and now I’m 2:2!

At the end of August I generally declare, to no one except myself, that the hiking season is over. I have good intentions, so my backpack remains accessible, but we don’t usually get back on the trail again until late spring, when the weather turns warm and the mud is dried up.
Enter my friend Michelle. I follow her Instagram and have enjoyed pictures of her family over the past few years, but all of the sudden over the past few weeks, she’s been posting all of these amazing pictures of her friend and her all over Western Washington, climbing hills, playing on ice and seeing beautiful things. I watched her go up to the mountains, repeatedly, waiting for her to hit an icy patch or a scary situation, but she kept heading up and never had a problem. I wrote to her and asked if she was in training for something and she said that she was just trying to break up the monotony of the gym. I though of my garage… My running loop that I’ve run a bajillion times… Then it suddenly occurred to me: I can hike in winter, too! I got inspired and planned a hike for this weekend, rain or shine!
(If you’re wondering, it was steady rain.)

I knew that Bradley and I would be fine climbing pretty much any trail we’ve been on before, but I wasn’t sure how the kids would fare on a longer trek in winter, so I opted for the easiest hike I know with guaranteed ice and snow: Big Four Ice Caves! Michelle headed up there last week, so I knew that the hike was accessible and I knew what to expect.
We donned all of our gear for the trek: backpacks, trekking poles, water bottles- the whole nine yards. The last time we did this hike it was somewhat difficult for me. It was a testament to how different I am physically that I kind of kept waiting for the hike to start and all of the sudden we were at the glacier. The hike was easy this time! I looked around at the top and all of the other hikers were dressed for a walk in the city with their dress boots, umbrellas, cigarettes and pleather jackets. We looked like we were in training or something, decked out as much as we were! There was little snow, lots of water and in the long run, we were really glad to have our trekking poles. They really helped when we had to traverse through muddy puddles via balance beam type logs. The kids played their harmonicas as we made our way up and down the mountain. At one point, I overheard a man comment, “That was certainly a merry family!” The comment made me smile.
At the end, our souls were refreshed. It was rainy, wet and wonderful.