Diary

I have been really been struggling lately. I know I’ve talked a little bit about recommitting to things, being better about diet, being more consistent with exercise, but I haven’t talked about what has had me in the tailspin.
First, you should know that within two weeks of hitting 229.8 (for about 37 seconds) I bounced right back up to 234. Then it became 237. Then I hopped on the scale a week ago and it said 240. 240! I couldn’t believe it! I knew that I was stressed, that I had PMS, that I wasn’t sleeping well- all of those things… But I was still running, hitting weights somewhat consistently and still staying within my calorie allowances. But I SERIOUSLY gained a full ten. I was pissed. Livid. And confused as all get out!
How was this happening?
Well, four days after day one of my cycle and four days after the start of warrior weeks and guess what?! It was eight pounds of water! Today I started out weighing in at 238- I was pleased. By the time I finished my run this afternoon – and ate and drank normally all day, mind you- I weigh a comfy 232.

I haven’t posted a sweaty faced run picture in a while. I know what my fans want, so here you go- sweaty faced Tamara.
Today it was only about 73 but the humidity must have let up or something because I really enjoyed my run. I never had a panic moment. I never ran out of breath. It was perfect! I took off and never stopped until I was back home after 2.8 miles. I was pleased with that. My mileage was only around 12:00, but when I took my pulse I was in fat burning zone heaven. Hopefully I will see some changes in the next few weeks. I would SERIOUSLY like to end the summer out of the 230’s!

I took this picture last night while I was watching the fireworks bloom. I decided to be one of those fools who takes a picture of the explosion, so I held my camera in the air and started clicking before I realized I had the camera flipped to me (it’s an iPhone- just as a reference point) and caught this. I love it because it’s the rare surprise candid selfie and I look so happy in it.

The heat. We’ve hit on that, I’m know, but I thought dealing with the heat was really just a mind over matter kind of thing. An excuse to NOT work out for me. Turns out, not so much. The past few days have left me gasping with that tightness in my chest, and the tightness is sustaining beyond my run a bit and I feel the strain in my lungs hours later. Today we took the run from a different direction in hopes that those trigger points wouldn’t get all uppity and freaky on me. It worked. On top of being more downhill than uphill, I didn’t get to those spots where I usually freak out. I also tried this thing called ‘listening to my body’, you know, when I feel so tired or overheated or out of breath that I can’t breathe so I just walk fast for a minute before I continue? That kind of listening to my body. Who would have thought?!
I have been thinking a lot about my burn, my aerobic vs. anaerobic workouts. Like Bradley said, the anaerobic burns both fat and muscle but it mostly just trains me to endure. I decided to dial back my effort a little and run EVEN SLOWER if you can imagine. It was super irritating then, when this lady was power walking on the opposite side of the street keeping up with us. SO annoying. I don’t allow Bradley to walk alongside me when I run slow so it was super humiliating that this woman just kept up with us. For almost a mile. No joke. It was hard because I knew I could go faster but this is about my burn and my body, not her need to prove that she could walk at my run speed. However, we eventually split away from her and my pacing was solid, slow and hopefully did some good burn work.
***
Ok. The next part may be a TMI moment, but here it is anyhow.
You know how I told you that I wear compression tanks under my clothes at all times to keep my belly from flying around like a cantaloupe in a hammock?
Yeah, so the other day I was hot and I wanted to run. I thought about it and decided to forgo the compression wear to not end up as hot. As I was running I started feeling a mild stinging happening under my belly fold at my waist – you know, the crease right at my natural waist where my belly folds over. Then it started to burn. Of course I ignored it… But this is what happened:

I only thought of taking a picture three days after the run, but the result was a red, chapped line that ran all along the entirety of my waist crease.
I simultaneously had two thoughts- woohoo! This means insurance will cover my skin removal surgery (my insurance will cover a tummy tuck as long as you’ve maintained the weight for 6 months, it gets irritated/rashy and you document it).
The other thought I had was that I’ve pretty much convinced myself that I don’t care that much about skin surgery anymore. I’ve seen pictures of women who have lost piles of weight who are wearing bikinis on the beach standing next to their glowing husbands, stretch marks and saggy skin evident but no biggie. My hubs could give a hoot about the surgery. He just wants a wife who is happy with her body and sense of self, so the decision is entirely mine. I’ve decided to wait until I actually have the weight gone before I make the decision and I can see what I’m working with. But if I have to wear compression gear to workout for the rest of my life because under my belly I get all red and rashy? I will likely say yes to surgery.
***
The rest of my time this summer has looked like this so far:

Not bad…

I woke up Sunday morning,
I looked up on the wall,
The skeeters and the bedbugs
Were having a game of ball.
The score was 6 to nothing,
The skeeters were ahead,
The bedbugs hit a homerun
And knocked me out of bed!
Singin’ – Eener meener and a miner mo,
Catch a Whipper Whopper by its toe,
And if he HOLLERS, HOLLERS, HOLLERS, don’t let him go!
Singin’ – Eener meener and a miner mo!

Remember that song? I think I yelled it on the way to school every day in first grade. Something about that whipper whopper…
***
Anyhow, I did wake up this SUNDAY morning, got up, headed downstairs and let the dog out. As she’s getting older she’s like a real geriatric person with weird sleeping patterns and everything, panting all night, only sleeps well with her ibuprofen… Anyhow, so I got up at about 6:00 to put her out and stepped outside to find it was ALREADY HOT! At 6:00 AM! And I’m not talking the kind of early morning heat that makes you say, “It looks like it will be a nice day.” No. This hot was all in your face from the moment it hit the land, breaking a sweat at 6:00. Sheesh. And I live in Seattle!
That said, it was a perfect moment to be all vacay cheesy – like I’m at a resort or something, so I started doing some yoga- just the sun salutation (how appropriate) and a few other simple poses that I learned from the Wii Fit. It felt like it should- all holistic and commune-y and naturish. The next step should have been to go to the co-op for some quinoa and bulgar or something (which I’m mocking but I actually really like that stuff 🙂 ).
After communing with nature I went back up into bed and stared at Bradley until he woke up. Today is his 40th unofficial birthday (long story short- he has a 12/29 birthday that has always sucked because of its location in the year- who wants another gift to buy or cake to eat smack in between Christmas and New Years?! So we moved it to his half birthday, or really close to his half birthday), so I wanted to get our run out of the way ASAP because I wouldn’t have to worry about when we would do it, or the calories I will consume because of this day. As soon as his eyes fluttered open I asked for the run. Thankfully he said yes because it was 8:00 and already pushing 75 (remember – 75 in Seattle is hot).

{In honor of my Birthday King, I invoked the force today…}
So we stretched, got dressed and off we went.
Heat running has been hard on me. I thought for a long time I didn’t like the heat because I just don’t like to sweat. It turns out the heat offers some other fun stuff. The biggest issue for me is getting overheated and losing my breath. For some reason it’s harder for me to get my breath in the heat. I get the shallow breathing, but not the deep breaths that replenish my oxygen. The result is that a little over a mile into the run, my chest tightens down so hard that I can’t get a good breath, so then I start very intentionally deep breathing, which doesn’t go deep enough so my breathing just becomes hyperventilation and from there it turns into a panic attack.
The last time (before today) we ran, I wouldn’t let myself stop. When I got home after three miles I was dripping sweat and could feel my heartbeat all over my body, so hard, and my lungs and chest were gridiron solid. I was having a hard time breathing. I stripped down, got into my bathing suit and jumped into the pool and as soon as the cold water hit me my lungs opened up and I could breathe again. I sat submerged in the pool as my heart beat -BOOM BOOM BOOM- and I cooled off, finally getting my breath again. I learned from that day the the heat really does impact me.
I’m wondering if it’s an asthma thing- I’ve heard of exercise induced asthma and heat induced asthma. Maybe I need to explore that a little bit more with my doctor. I also want to do one of those exercise heart test things that you do on the treadmill at the doctors’ to see if I’m just pushing myself too hard, maybe, and my heart is going to explode! I don’t have a real, authentic fear of that, but it’s not a bad idea to get a clean bill of health as I continue to move forward.
***
I took my heart rate today-
Immediately post-run: 153 BPM
Ten minutes later: 99 BPM
much later (resting): 63 BPM
My active rate is a little high for fat burn. I honestly don’t know how to run slower and walking is so awkward when you try to go too fast. It’s hard to break a good sweat walking, for me. I’m super impressed, however, with my resting heart rate! I’m in the ‘good’ zone- smack between ‘excellent’ and ‘above average’! I’m pleased with that.

My little buddy took a lap with me today. I couldn’t have been more proud as he took off running around the track as fast as his little legs could carry him! It’s nice to have another running buddy. :

Know what I did on this, the first Monday of my summer vacation?
1. I woke up (9:30)
2. Ate breakfast (peanut butter smash)
3. Went for a run (11:00)
4. Sat in various chairs silently while working on my pro-cert stuff (12:30-6:30). I’m so over that crap.
Jealous?
Yeah, me either!
The good part is that I have an awesome husband who supports me in every aspect of my life, so I have not been alone in the typing or tantrumming. He’s been there to hold my hand through it all. Awww… True love. <3 I'm SERIOUS! I adore him. We are fond of saying that while our kids are the best decision we’ve ever made, meeting one another is the best thing that has happened in our lives.
***
I want to point out two things about my run.
1. I am slow, JUST LIKE YOU. See those splits?! I used to be all worried about being fast, but for now, as long as I’m all sweaty and getting an aerobic workout I’m fine. My goals these days are to keep it under 13 minute miles. For me, this is still a push. Speed will come with time and I do have the odd mile or miles that end up between 9:30-11:00 minute miles, but I am no longer pushing for that. I just pushing for the calorie and fat burn.
2. I am having a mental block about running ever since I took my break last week. For some reason I feel like I don’t have endurance anymore and I keep wanting to quit. Today I made small goals- I just want to get around the small block (.9 miles) became I just want to get around the big block (1.4 miles) and then I decided I wanted to cruise the small block again to add another .9 which, of course, turned into the big block again. I came to a point where I said to Bradley that there is no good reason I should stop. I just needed to push myself a little harder. Guess what? I got home in one piece and ended up running 2.9 miles total. I could have pushed farther, but I’m lazy. Next time… Mostly I just want to recognize that my head is playing stubborn games again and I can’t let it win. I’m in charge and I say that running is not optional at this point in my life! It is a necessity for both my confidence and fat loss.
***
I do have to say, though, that since returning to running last week I’ve run every stinking day. As much as it’s been a challenge to do it, I have been making good on my commitment to exercise every day.
Now, I just need to get the night snacking back under control. Last night I ate two chocolate chip cookies, two Oreos and a bag of pop chips. This was at about 10:00, two hours after I had eaten a bowl of ice cream. Great choices in yum (and after my run I still was within my caloric intake window) but it felt like a binge and I didn’t like it. Especially since the rest of my day leading up to that was stellar. I’ll do better tonight. Cherries and popcorn…. 🙂
Hopefully fixing that will result in me losing some more weight. At my lowest a week and a half ago I was 229.8. This morning my scale read 235. Yup. I have PMS, humidity, water retention, muscle swell and all that, but seriously, that is five+ pounds. Not cool. Hopefully the night snacking issue will eliminate that problem.
***
(Side note- I’m complaining about weighing 235! Ha ha! For perspective- weighing 230 was my original goal. I think I’m doing just fine!)

Let’s just say things have been nuts. I know I’ve said we are finishing my papers for recertification, and I tell ya, it is a time and energy sucker. And I miss my kids! AND I’m jealous of all my friends who are headed away to Rome, Disneyland or even just the nearby beaches! Perhaps I’m getting a taste of why people are often bitter about teachers having summers off! Ha ha!
To add to that, I have ridiculous PMS food cravings that have me wanting to inhale food nonstop. You think I’m kidding? Last night I was full and still needed to make a batch of popcorn to inhale. I decided, as I sat there with my food baby belly, that today was going to be different. So far I’m doing really well. I haven’t put anything in my mouth today that triggers cravings for other stuff. And I’m using my ‘Determination’ mantra. I’m determined to get back on track. DETERMINED!

This is me at Ye Olde Country Buffet. It was Bradley’s deceased grandpa’s birthday the other day so we went to honor him. It was where we always went with him whenever we went out to eat. Breakfast at OCB is yummy. Lots of eggs, deep fried hash browns, hollandaise sauce… Even ice cream is included. And I ate it all. But I do think I fared better than this dude:

He had a plate with nothing but a huge pile bacon on it alongside his glass of chocolate milk. I wanted to be him for a moment, honestly. Sitting there proudly eating bacon like it’s going out of style while reading your manga comic. Pretty awesome.
I, on the other hand, filled an entire plate with cantaloupe- which I ate because it was the only fresh fruit that looked and tasted ripe- followed by an egg, a biscuit, three hash browns and all washed down with an ice cream sundae. This all by ten o’clock. Starting the day like that wasn’t so great as ice cream called me all day long, chips beckoned, food sang to me. I craved it and sometimes gave in. I tried to eat carrots and cherries, but some other stuff (truffles and ice cream) made it down the hatch too.
The good news? We also did this:

That, right there, was. 4.25 run/hike/walk. We discovered a park about 1.5 miles from our house that has trails winding all around in it. It was a beautiful and fun run. Our kids were at their grandparents, so we did take advantage of few moments to smootch all romantic style trailside before we trotted off to the QFC to buy a tea and then trekked home. It amazes me how much running has opened up our world. In the past I never would have thought to run to the nearby QFC on foot! But I went even farther! I’m so impressed with myself, frankly. Ha ha!
***
I wanna give a shout out to my girl Rhiann who, today, ran 20 minutes solid and over a mile for the first time in, like ever (her words)! I am so proud to have another running friend!!! Just keep swimming… Or running… Or just moving! Woot!

Another year is done. I spent Monday tying up loose ends with report cards and my classroom, Tuesday I was saying goodbye in class to my students and colleagues, and Wednesday found me whooping it up with my students at my house after Gigi had her last day of school. It was a short week but an insane week. Now life can resume… Kind of. We are hoping that my certification stuff can be wrapped up soon. THEN the summer can officially begin.
I have not run since last week. I was having hip issues again, then I was prompted by the busy week to just take it easy. I’ve gained two pounds. At least I think I have. The good thing about gaining two pounds that you’ve recently lost is that, if you do it fast enough, usually you can ditch the weight pretty quick. I’m hoping for that.
I have big designs on a five miler tomorrow. We’ll see what the body can pull off after taking the week off! Week off of running I should say. I was actually a pretty good kid with the weights, though, and completed two workouts since Saturday.
Tonight was a reminder of the Lj summers. After the party guests left we hunkered down for some Mario Kart madness, then out came the tickle bugs and wrestling and the iron claw and Toothless the flying dragon. It was terrific fun in the spirit of summer. Here’s how we ended our night:

This weekend has been a weekend for the weightloss warrior in me. We had my friend’s 40th birthday and a couple of Father’s Day celebrations. In addition to just seeing lots of family and friends (we also whooped it up my my parents, brothers and their families on Friday), I had to deal with lots of food choices. There were chips, sour cream dips, cake and all kinds of stuff to use self control around. I did pretty well. I was no angel, but I did well.
I encountered more than one person asking me if I was going to skip a certain food choice because of the high calories. I explained each time that while I’m losing weight right now, I am not on a diet, per se, rather, I made a life change. My life change is intended to last for life and I am not giving up chips and dip or birthday cake for life! I need to include those ‘no-no’ choices now so I know how to do it later as well.
I hope no one felt awkward eating around me. I’m so vocal about losing weight and stuff through my blog, not to mention that it’s also just very physically obvious that I’ve made some changes, that I wonder if people feel guilty by association. You know how there’s a stereotype that girls won’t eat in front of guys because they don’t want them to think they are fat (and if they are fat, clearly this is an anomaly because you’re modeling how little you eat)? Like that. Because to me, it’s all about being happy. If you’re happy as a clam at 350, that’s your business. If you’re not happy, I’ll try to help you. But I’m certainly not the one who will stand in judgement of your choices. It’s your business and I certainly understand my place.

This is my random picture of the day. Nothing significant- Bradley just said he liked my hair so I had to check it out. Yup- looks good. Happy accident! LOL!

One of my oldest and bestest friends turned 40 last week. We celebrated at her house today with a rocking BBQ. Here’s the picture to prove just. How. Rockin’!

Actually, she and I are total dorks, still to this day. As the class of 1991 turns 40, it would seem the way to celebrate is to act like it’s your 21st birthday all over again, wearing crowns and boas while in avid pursuit of getting wasted! I see nothing wrong with that. But Beth doesn’t drink. Thus, the picture above is a total faker just so we can be in the same cool kid club as the rest of the peeps on Facebook. Ha ha!

*Back in 1991*
Ok, why am I writing about all this? First, because when I met Beth way back in 8th grade it’s like our souls touched or something and she left her fingerprint on me; I think I did the same to her. In so many ways we are like night and day with such different positions on life (she’s very conservative while I am very liberal politically and religiously), but there is just something about her. I just love her. From the moment we met we were inseparable and as a result, I was folded into her family easily and I’ve hovered in their periphery for years. I know her brothers, her sisters, her nieces, nephews, her dad. I’ve been there for weddings, a premature funeral, at hospitals when babies were born, in home church services and I’ve kept tabs on them through Beth as life has continued. I know these people like family.
Here’s the interesting part two: I was walking up to the house with my two kids when I saw Beth’s brother in law. I have known him for years, he was at my house in October, for goodness sake. So I say, “Hi, Brad!”
To which he responded, “Hi.” Then an awkward pause. A pause that stretched on as I saw him look at my kids and me, trying to tie the pieces together. Finally, “Who are you?!” He didn’t recognize me! I told him I who I was and we both laughed. I was glad he said something because that was the theme of the party for me! It prepared me with the knowledge that I look drastically different. Even more different than I knew. I was a mystery girl, even when giving the birthday girl’s husband a hello and a squeeze to which he had the strangest, most distant response. I wondered if I had offended him or something when, about 30 minutes later, he came in and told me he’d had no idea who I was! We laughed.
I realized not only did I have to reintroduce myself to her family, but I had to try to naturally weave together details about our shared past experiences, hoping that I would jog their memories of who I was and we could all avoid that awkward embarrassing moment of them not knowing who I am and me having to explain it to them. “Yah, I’ve known Beth forever. You don’t recognize me because I’ve lost over 100 pounds but I have met you, like, a million times,” is a weird statement to roll out. And a mouthful! Ha ha!
I have to assume that they are not alone in trying to recognize me. It’s both a celebratory mark, but also kind of a scary one. The Tamara I have been for years is really changing. Becoming unrecognizable. It’s magnificent evidence of my progress, and now I get a choice: renew myself or reinvent myself. Or perhaps a mix of the both? Tamara: version 2.0.
What an interesting but truly fun day!
***
This has been quite a week this week. I have been SO busy at work and after work that I don’t even have my report cards completed yet! Agh! The last day of school is in 3 days. Oi! I’ve been packing my room and doing all sorts of fun events like a field trip, read in, assemblies, field day and more. It’s been intense. I’ve been tired.
Regarding my goals and diet, I decided to take it down a notch and not stress out about it. I know, it was weightloss warrior week, but sometimes life dictates slowing down no matter what. I only ran about six miles this week BUT I hit the weights hard. Tonight will be my fourth workout this week, which means SHOPPING! I noticed my workouts got really easy as I went, enough so I decided that tonight I’ll do the seven minute sets instead of the five minute sets. My workout should be closer to 30 minutes.
I’ve found a butt workout that is easy on my knees, a belly workout that makes my entire abdominal wall cramp up in an unpleasant Charlie horse from time to time, and an arms workout. I assure you- I’m feeling it big time.
And even though I was super easy on myself as far as my food and exercise go, I still lost 1.5 pounds. 🙂