Diary

Sunshine. We are getting a real dose of it right now, and usually we don’t have this much. The result? We are staying outside until all hours playing then dropping into bed exhausted and crashing to sleep. It’s a good feeling, but one that doesn’t lend itself to keeping a blog!
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We headed out to the beach on Monday. It is the earliest we have ever swam before, which made frightening visions of global warming go through my head (so sad that I can’t just enjoy the sun- I have to shame myself about global warming on a gift like that day). The beach was beautiful, the sun was shining, the kids were splashing, and I wore my bikini to the public beach. Guess what? Nobody laughed or pointed. Nobody stared. Nobody cared, even when the dude’s dog came and dropped a ‘package’ 3 feet from my hip and he apologetically came over and conversationally cleaned it up- he didn’t care! It was no biggie to anyone- except me. Enter bikini season!
I sit in a funny place in the fat acceptance movement. As I have said before, no matter what size I have been, I have always liked myself. My husband has always been crazy-nuts for me since the moment he first saw me. (he can tell the story sometime, I was a size 20/22) While my weight did keep me from doing some things, it wasn’t from worrying about embarrassment (usually), it was actual physical limitations.
I was thinking about how I fit into the fat acceptance movement now, and realized that my current size will never matter. I can support my bikini wearing brethren no matter if I’m fat or thin. Certainly, the fact that I’m choosing my weight right now (and that it is a lower weight) is helpful in allowing me clarity to advocate and understand my place, but shouldn’t we all be able to wear what we want regardless of our size? Shouldn’t a ‘bikini body’ just be a body with a bikini on it? Why was I so scared to go do that?

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So far I’m keeping with my goals for the week. I am letting myself have my miles from Sunday’s hike as part of my mileage this week. Before you call cheat, let me just explain that the hike really took it out of me and has required a bit of muscle swelling and bruised joint healing. I have managed to run both Monday and Tuesday nights, but just once around the big block (1.8 miles)*. Add the heat to my recovery and running has been tough this week. So at this point I’m at about 9 miles for the week. Clearly I’ll make my goal, hopefully I’ll pass it. I’m starting to think I will have to be a morning runner this summer. The heat really makes me feel sick right now. I’m hoping that will pass once I’m at a lower weight and every step I take isn’t quite as difficult. I keep wondering when I will start to feel like a normal runner- one who is not sore all the time and who can walk up and down her stairs without doing some weird hurky-jerky sideways step to save her aching muscles and joints. I’m assuming that will happen when I hit around 200 and I’m not having to work quite as hard.

I also made a goal to do my abs workout five times this week. So far I’m at two and holding strong. My ab workout is starting to feel easier which makes me fear the change-up and how it is going to change as I amp it up. I was looking at pictures of myself realizing that my legs are looking pretty skinny, and my torso is not shrinking as fast. I recognize that this may just be the way I’m losing weight, but I also think it has to do with my exercise of choice. I use my legs to get the burn, and I need to burn the belly more. So that’s why the big ab push- get that shape going so I don’t look like a jelly bean on stilts!

*Yesterday a friend of mine pointed out and we laughed about the following statement: I went out and ran a quick mile. A “quick mile” has such a casual sound to it. Just a mile, a quick mile- any phrase implying any amount of ease with running is pretty funny considering what kind of runner I was at the beginning of this year! I laugh at some of the things I hear myself saying now.

We did it! We headed up the mountain, past the first level, past the midpoint level and all the way to the top to the difficult, high level! We did it! All totaled, we put about 7 miles under our Lj feet, including the hike in from the car. Most importantly, though, we had a great time.

But now I’m tired. We came home, hot rubbed, I painted toenails and I could just about fall asleep. Yaaawwwnnnn…
🙂
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Before I go- I made a new goal. My legs are shaping up nicely, and I’m starting to look disproportionate. To move things along I need to start working my core a lot more. So, daily abs. Every day this week should have an abs routine. Day one? Check.
Now, yaaaawwwnnnn….

The heat and I are pretty tight when it comes to laying in the sun, sitting in the hot tub, curling up in bed… But when it comes to exercise, I have not been a fan in the past. Today it was beautiful out.

Enjoy my derpy face?! I think I look funny when I run, but don’t really care too much. For some reason I continue to feel the need to photo document my runs so I can include a picture here as often as possible. 😉
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We rallied the troops and, after taking advantage of the double bonus: Free Comic Book Day coupled with Unofficial Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you), we headed to the track to hit a few miles. Gigi has a goal to hit a marathon over the next few weeks and I had 1.5 miles before I made my weekly goal of 12 miles.
Today is the first beautiful day in Seattle. I was hoping that at my new weight the heat wouldn’t affect me in the same way- like I would cool off faster now. I do cool faster but not fast enough! Running in the heat made me nauseous. I had to stop a bunch to drink water, and I walked more during these miles than I have in a long time. I also ran way slower than I have in a long time. I started out by trying to push myself and then realized my folly when my back, arms and neck started cramping up. By the time everything was said and done I ended up walking about a quarter mile of my 3.6. Today I was totally cool with that! Plus, I MADE MY GOAL! Scratch that, I BEAT MY GOAL! I actually made 14 miles this week. Color me happy. I’m keeping my goal of 12 miles again.
I also realized today that I’m not a big fan of track running. Going around and around that circle is a little boring. I definitely like the variety of running on the street and being able to people watch, observe pretty little houses and marvel at nature. Not to mention the track seemed to hold the sun’s heat, coupled with no shade and the whole place was broiling! While the track is level and better on my knees, I missed the hills. I like climbing them, and I like heading down the other side.
Downhills always seemed like a cheat to me when I was not a runner. It was the part I would pick if I ever did have to run because I could keep my breath a little easier on the decline, of course. That was all that mattered. Now, though, I see the downhills in a completely different way. I have the breathing endurance thing down somewhat, so the downhills became something different. They became where I get to see my potential. That little bit of gravity helps me to extend my stride as I get pulled down the hill and I fly! It is thrilling. And as the bottom of the hill levels out, I feel my thighs and calves working, striving to extend and I feel strong, incredible, powerful. The downhills leave me breathless and tired, just like running uphill.
So I guess I’m saying the track is just not as exhilarating or exciting. Given the choice, I think I would usually pick the streets. 🙂
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We bought the domain www.tamarashazam.com today!
Just a head’s up that the address will be changing. There should be a redirect in place, but it’s fair to let you know if things all of the sudden look or act strange.

After our successful hiking adventure the other day, we Lj’s decided to hit the trail again before we forgot what it felt like to have The grit under our feet and the tree boughs overhead. We were planning to head to the mountains to gain some altitude, but by the time we rolled outta bed this morning, got our business taken care of and were ready it was late afternoon so we decided to save Wallace Falls for another day.
Instead, we headed to our near, dear and always beautiful neighborhood State park: St. Edwards. This park is amazing because, while it is well used, it has many trails with tons of indigenous wildlife. It is a park you can get lost in and it is incredibly close to us and Seattle. We feel lucky to have such a resource so nearby.

Today’s hike took about an hour. We were slow, but the trail was steep and I was a little sore in my joints yet from my runs this week. We made it to the water’s edge where we threw a stick for Martha for a bit before heading back up the trail. It was steep! Like this:

Isn’t it funny that when you’re there, in the thick of it, an activity or task will seem insurmountable, but then when you show someone the picture you’re like, “hmmm… That is NOT as steep as it FELT!”
I promise you. It was a mile hike straight downhill followed my the same steep incline uphill for a mile. We were all sweaty by the time we got to the top, and along the way? Gorgeous. I’m lucky to live in this state.

I’m thinking today that I’m losing all of my collected PMS water weight. Finally. Hopefully I’ll get a decent weigh in tomorrow. Aside from that though, I have to start believing I’m gaining muscle alongside the fat loss. I have to. I’m seeing changes everywhere except on the scale. I feel amazing. I know I’m doing everything right. No cheats, daily exercising, I’m always eating a solid, healthy diet…. I’ll just keep focusing on the fitness and hope that the fat burns off sooner or later.

Bradley surprised me today by texting to ask me to take a run with him this afternoon. He said he had two miles in him. That sounded good to me. I reminded him that I’m slow. Like sloooowwww. He said mostly he wanted to be with me and exercise is exercise.
I was a little glad that he was out of breath at my pace. It made me feel a little less lame.
As we rounded the corner of the big block we started picking up a little speed. As we ran by our house, Bradley stopped briefly to check on the kids and I ran ahead. And when I say I ran ahead, I mean I sprinted ahead. Down the hill, as fast as I could. I know it was downhill, but it was pretty cool to learn what my body feels like when I go fast without being scared of hurting myself or falling or getting too tired or…
When we came home I saw that being with my man makes me go faster. Not because he pushed me harder or anything. It just happened. I was really happy to be down in the 10’s for my average!

After we got home Bradley started telling me how proud he is of me. He told me how I really seem invested. How I obviously push myself hard. How I’m serious and he can see it. And again, how proud he is of me. I love him so much. Those words, that respect he offered me, it just means so much coming from him.
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I haven’t lost any weight in a long time. I’m really hoping that I’ll see a change happen in the next few days.