Diary

I am a weightloss warrior. I got chubby as a tween and have never been able to break completely out of that mold ever since. But this time? This time I’m fighting clean and I’m fighting for more than just a smaller dress size. This time I’m fighting my weight for my family, for my life, for longevity AND the smaller dress size.

In my early thirties I learned that my unique set of hormonal imbalances and insulin issues coupled with my skyrocketing weight were a recipe for diabetes by forty. Heart disease runs in my family. I was lethargic, exhausted and unmotivated. Then I couldn’t get pregnant with my second baby. One day I was driving home from work and I heard a song. A totally cheesy song that landed in my life at the exact right moment. The song outlines the life of a man, stepping quickly from childhood through the different stages of adulthood to having but a moment left as he turns 100 to look back and see the richness in his life… And I realized that at my pace I didn’t have 100 to look forward to. I had anywhere from 10-30 years ahead of me if i was lucky. If I wasn’t lucky I could end up leaving my husband a widower at 40. Then I thought of that little three year old girl I had the privilege of holding each night and how I wanted to watch her grow up, how I wasn’t going to give that to her, how I was going to miss out on everything unless I got my act together. And the baby- how I wanted to complete our four-square with one more squealer.

So I decided. I picked family over fat and became driven and determined to lose enough weight. I was quiet about it at first, fearful that I would fail and wanting to do so privately. but it worked. I only needed to lose 5% of my weight to up my chances of pregnancy, but I got on a roll and ended up losing about 60 pounds. I felt great. Bradley and I were a machine! A team! We walked together, ran together, planned meals, ate healthy and admired our emerging bodies. I thrilled at no longer being over 100 pounds heavier than him! Life was great! We went to Disneyland and upon our return I found out I was pregnant. Goal achieved.

Although pregnant, I refused to give in to gaining weight. I decided to gain no more than necessary and I was going to be a workout mama throughout the pregnancy. Then I bled a little and decided to spend the remainder of the pregnancy on the couch. I didn’t gain weight at all during my second pregnancy because I had gallstones and hours-long attacks so I didn’t eat very much at all for the nine months. As soon as I had my gall bladder surgery though I started eating peanut butter and didn’t stop, pretty much, until I weighed almost as much as the first time I started losing weight. I had plantar fasciitis and stopped working out. I hit a horrible weight milestone and stopped gaining just shy of 20 pounds of my original starting weight (I think- my scale stops at a certain number so I don’t know how far over I was…). I needed to do something. So I started small.

I started anew about two years ago now. I’ve been on the ‘Slowest Diet in the World’ ever since. That means that I generally lose 1-2 pounds a month with a motivated 10 pound loss thrown in for good measure from time to time. I have allowed myself to backslide during holidays and birthdays so I have gone up and down a whole lot – really losing about 150-170 at this point if I include all the up and down.

In January I finally decided enough is enough. I need to ditch this fat and just get it GONE. So I decided to challenge myself to losing forty pounds before I turn forty in October. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but this seems like a totally reasonable goal- that puts me at losing four pounds a month. I should be able to do that! I started reading blogs of people who have lost 100 pounds in a year and am very motivated to start cruising on this project!

My purpose here is to have a place to keep myself in check. Here I can lament the times I’m not doing so great and I can crow when things are going well. I can tell myself motivating things and look at my progress as it unfolds. I may seem self obsessed, but I have to be. I have to obsess and talk and think about losing weight so I can stay motivated. Come along with me if you like!