The Art of Nothing

I’ve been practicing sitting around over the past few weekends.  That may seem weird, but it appears that I’ve kind of forgotten how to sit around.  I haven’t had a banana pancake day in years (banana pancake days are those last minute days in bed of doing nothing, as described in the Jack Johnson song…).  Without realizing it, my goals of being a determined person who avoids procrastinating and is a do-er not a say-er or poseur leaked into every aspect of my life.  I don’t really allow for a whole lot of slothfulness, as though I’m trying to chase all of the deadly sins away.  

When I say this, I mean I pretty much don’t sit down until I’m laying down in bed.  Obviously my work day is spent on my feet, but when I come home I’m the same.  I come upstairs, change my clothes, take a shower and head down to make dinner.  Once dinner is made and served, my family will often sit down to play a game or watch something or craft or whatever, but I just fidget with stuff. When I’m in the kitchen I fidget with cleaning things until it’s all clean then I bake something and clean up after. Or make a bunch or freezer meals. Or lunches. Or sweep piles and tiny bits of trash into my dustpan on a stick, as though I work in Disneyland or something. I think to myself that there’s always a job to do, always some steps to get, always a way to make my tomorrow easier, there’s alway another lifehack that I can employ and when I run out of jobs I make them up.  I should reorganize my craft cupboard, make cards, go for a run, plan a hike, write a blog post, call my mom, play a game with a kid, text someone, make crafts….  the list goes on.  And on.  And on and on and on.  It’s getting ridiculous.

I read this post about being a teacher and the stress it adds into my life.  Basically, it said that teachers worry, overthink and make a bazillion decisions every day without letting it show.  All of that internalizing your real thoughts in favor of diplomacy results in an energy suck that zaps teachers of a lot of energy.  I’m very disciplined in many aspects of my life- work, health, diet, lifehacks- and it’s wearing me out.  Add to that an exceptionally large and challenging workload and I REALLY need to prioritize myself a little more.

I’m getting crushed by systems.  Expectations.  I’m getting crushed trying to keep up.  It’s time for some more nothing.  Today that meant that I forgave my planned run and literally stayed in bed all morning reading news and cuddling with Freddie.  Last Sunday I watched tv with Gigi for two hours in the middle of the day.  The little things.  They’re beginning to show me how much they matter.